Thecarozone

Blog world

2011-10-05T20:04:00.004-04:00

Lately it is getting quieter and quieter in the blog world.
There even is some people who say it openly that they are leaving.

I think I am there.
Lately I realized that coming here to write is asking me to do an effort, when I used to do it in the past, I needed to write and had fun with it.

I think that for me it is the end.

I will keep on reading your blogs, I will not abandon you, as I've attach myself to so many of you.

Caro xxx

Halloween costume

2011-10-03T20:59:00.001-04:00

What is your craziest Halloween costume?

Me a toilet bowl 6 years ago. Memorable party!

Vacation pay

2011-09-30T19:18:00.002-04:00

I knew that this weeks pay check would be smaller than usually because I was on vacation last week. And I know that my vacations are calculated to 8% of the salary I made the previous year. Last year I only worked 7 and a half months full time.

Up to that point it was still all ok, until today. I realize that it would be the same situation next year. And I have worked only 2 months really really part time and 5 full time.

It wont be big vacations next year :(

3 weeks later

2011-09-28T19:15:00.002-04:00

This afternoon I went to therapy. The last time we mutually agreed that we where to space out each appointment to every 3 weeks. SO since then my hamster has done a lot of running.

Where there a lot of changes? I dont think so.
But with the medication, I feel that I same not the same.
Yes, I am still myself, but up to this appointment I though I had lost contact with my emotions, that I was completely detached and insensitive. That no positive or negative emotions reached me. Well turns out I was wrong, that it is the voltage / intensity of my emotions that is starting to regulate itself.

Is this was it feels like to be ok / normal? I have no clue.
I also have to learn and to accept that it is normal to be scared that things are doing well when you have been used to them being bad all the time.

I have only two appointments left before the end of this therapy and before I start the second one. I am excited because this second one is the one that will affect and help me the most according to the psychologist and psychiatrist.

To be continued...

My vacation / September

2011-09-24T17:16:00.003-04:00

Here is a recap of my vacations:

Saturday I went to my parents house, my sister was supposed to be there for dinner, but she had car trouble. So Iwent on my own and steamed by myself against my mother. I dont remember the last time I saw her without wanting to shake her. Asides from that I introduced my dad to Facebook.

Sunday quiet day at home and a walk to enjoy the nice weather.

Monday I went to the dealership with my car to make some recalls done by the company and I read the entire evening.

Tuesday early in the morning my dad came to help me paint my kitchen and we went out for lunch (he emptied a part of his heart about my mom). In the evening did a bit of shopping.

Wednesday ( went to see a friend quickly and then to my doctors appointment and spent the entire day/evening with my godson.

ThursdayI went shopping, again, with a friend and then dinner with her. Spent the rest of the evening watching the beginning of a few series that I follow on TV.

Friday I went grocery shopping and at night I had a bunch of girls over for a clothes exchange.

Saturday I went to support a friend that was auditioning for the TV show Canada's got talent. Saw a terrorist in the subway. I ended the night talking to my sister on the phone. It's crazy how I miss her.

Today I went grocery shopping for my lunches, and read in the park near my house all while watching the firemen put out a fire in a trashcan. Tonight I made a bit of laundry and went to a friends house to drop of some clothes form the exchange and here I am. And you guys what have you been up to?

Vacation

2011-09-16T18:53:00.002-04:00

The advantage of having been on sick leave for part of the year last and this year, is that I have 5 weeks of vacation to take before the end of 2011.
One week off every month till the end of the year...not complaining too much :P

Have a nice week!

When you grow up

2011-09-14T20:52:00.002-04:00

Each child gets asked this question...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me, I wanted to be a meterologist or a radiologist.

And you what was your answer?

Fishing trip

2011-09-11T18:52:00.003-04:00

Each year for the past 4 years, I take my dad fishing.
It's the only trip he ever takes and he love it.
He turns into this little kid.
More than a week before we leave, he starts to get ready.
This year is the first time we rent a cabin.
It was gorgeous and we had the best weather possible.
On the down side, not that many fish.
In 3 days only one rainbow trout and nothing else.
But my dad's smile was all worth it.
Next year we are going back an entire week.

Filthy

2011-09-07T19:33:00.004-04:00

Lately I had a conversation with a lady regarding her family doctor X. This doctor X is the father of one of my past boyfriends. I remember as if it was yesterday how disgusted I was walking into his house.

From not knowing where to walk, to not knowing which dishes where clean and which weren't, from algae in the shower floor, to old used Kleenex's in the stairwell, from parrot feces all over the living room floor, ect...

How should we react with filthy people? I am not talking about messy people, but filthy people.

Christmas party

2011-09-05T17:43:00.002-04:00

Don't ask me why, But today I started thinking about Christmas.

I was thinking about my childhood and of the big Christmas parties we used to have at my grandparents house. When I say big, I mean big. I have a large family. My mom is the 13th child of thirteen. So the first child has children that have children, that have children. We are about 70 cousins.

Ever since the grandparents passed, we see each other only in funerals or weddings. and that's it.

I want to organize a Christmas party, but I wonder if people would come. Or family is pretty spread out across the province and aging (when I think of Aunts and uncles)

Should I dare? Maybe not this Christmas but for the 2012?

My godson borrowed my car

2011-09-03T22:04:00.000-04:00

September

2011-09-01T20:54:00.001-04:00

Today for me and I am sure for many of you, September marks the end of summer.

Can you believe that not once this summer I wore my bikini?

Damn summer sucks, yay for fall!

Digital TV

2011-08-30T19:58:00.002-04:00

So I did it, I bought the converter for tomorrow.
I am ready for the lost of the analogue signal.
I am currently installing it.
I sure hope that I am able to get the same channels as I did with my rabbit ears.

I'll let you know how my transition went in a few days.

Power outage

2011-08-29T18:22:00.001-04:00

Yeah well, an afternoon and an evening without power, really proves me that I am dependent to technology.

Stolen

2011-08-26T19:16:00.003-04:00

I am so angry.

Yesterday at work I found a genius of an idea and I shared it with my boss.
My boss was so proud, she shared it with her boss.
Her boss doesnt like me very much,
Today I get to work, open my email and HER boss wrote an email to the whole company talking about my idea as if it was her that had it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Guy/Girl friendship

2011-08-24T16:16:00.003-04:00

Friendship between guys and girls, do you believe in it?

I am part of the group who doubts it, but that want to beleive in it.
I believe that there is always on of the two, who in the back of their heads wants more.

I have a few guy friends, not much, but we are both single.
I am not sure that if either one of us was in a relationship would be as simple, just to avoid jealousy from the spouse.

And friendship with ex's, do you beleive in it?

Again I would like to say yes, but I think it is possible that one of the two may have other intentions in mind.
Currently I am friends with my ex D, and everything was going great with his girlfriend until last weekend. He mentioned to me that she finally admitted not being comfortable with our friendship.
So I took my distances, and it's ok I respect her. But at the same time I am pulling away from a friendship and that sucks.

So how are you friendships with the opposite sex?

Iron Maiden/ Kayak/ Hot Tub

2011-08-23T18:51:00.002-04:00

Me and that guy I used to date (B) are in the basement of the house of my ex P.
I assume we just had sex as I am only wearing his Iron Maiden t-shirt.
He goes upstairs and I follow him.
Once I get there there is a huge part going on.
Some guy come to see me and tells me: Hey B is flirting with college girls.
I say I don't care he's drunk and he has syphilis anyway.
I walk outside and the backyard is full of snow with little paths all around.
Then I see these 2 guys in a kayak on the snow, yelling that even if they were going slow they were going forward.
I go back inside and tell a girl that there is a secret passage in the second floor.
That is you are able to crawl through there, there is a hot tub.
So I go and crawl up there and there is B in the hot tub with another girl.
The girl I'm with looks at me as if I should be jealous, so I turn around and there I am sitting in a kayak rowing.

Jeans

2011-08-21T19:35:00.001-04:00

How many times do you wear a pair of jeans before you wash it?

My vacations / August

2011-08-20T12:13:00.003-04:00

So my August vacations are ending tomorrow.

I barely did anything aside from rescuing the kitten last Friday.
A dinner with friends, wrote a few letters and yesterday I went to the library.

But my bank account him, emptied itself, as if I had done all sorts of exciting things.

List of expenses:

-paid my bills
-Visit at the vet
-Food
-Gas
-Meds
-Purchase of DVD's, a lamp and a few clothes.

I told myself I would treat myself without looking during my vacations. I have only 2 days left, but I dont know I a can afford to leave bank account on vacation.

And you did your vacations leave with your bank account?

This morning

2011-08-19T10:48:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I left you guys explore the inside of my head, so here is a glimpse of a moment from this morning...

This morning it is not going well in my head.
Actually it never goes well, but this morning it's worst.
I had an appointment with the psychiatrist earlier today and I left in pieces.
I dont know if I will ever get through this.
Dark thoughts battle each other in my head.
I dont understand why I am here.
I dont see any future, I feel condemned.
Apparently the only solution is sold in little tablets.
Sometimes I tell myself that if I took the whole bottle in one shot maybe all the pain would go away, maybe I would go away.
But non, I am too curious, too much of a dreamer.

I dont want to die, but I dont know how to live.

Gérard Depardieu

2011-08-18T10:27:00.002-04:00

Mr Depardieu boards a plane. This one is about to take off when he realizes he really needs to pee.

The flight attendant tells him to wait till the flight has taken off and that the seat belt signs goes off.

Mr Depardieu cant not hold it any longer, so he decides to pee in the isle.

Idiot!

Tumblr

2011-08-17T12:29:00.004-04:00

My blog friend Pia got a Tumblr.

She doesn't really know what it is and It got me curious.
I went on the website Tumblr.com and I am still not quite sure what it is. It looks a lot like a blog and Facebook combined.

You guys know this Tumblr thing?

Home insurance

2011-08-16T12:59:00.004-04:00

When I listen to the news and that sadly they tell us how a building burnt down and that all tenants are now homeless, it makes me sad.

Up to the point where they interview these people and that these one say they lost everything and that they did not have home insurance. I'm sorry but I have a problem with this.

For about 10-15$ a month, you can get insurances that will allow you to start your life over. 10-15$ a month is the price of a damn pack of cigarettes our days. The same pack that will probably the cause of the fire.

I understand completely that some people don't have a lot of money. But I sincerely believe that the 10-15$ is all worth it. We are not talking about 100$ a month here, simply 10-15$.

I know I may sound harsh, but imagine the smoke detector beeping, you on the side of the street looking at all you ever owned just going up in smoke, is it worth it?

So do you have home insurance?

A cat in my engine

2011-08-12T23:25:00.004-04:00

For the past few days I've been hearing a baby cat cry outside (and not my cat)
Last night I went out to see if I could find him and he was in the bushes.
I scared him so he went to hide running.

Tonight when I finished work at 6, I got in my car with a friend and headed home. All of a sudden we hear meow, meow. So we stop the car and look under it and nothing.

I keep on driving and meow, meow. The cat in in my engine! So we head out a friends garage, who gets my car up on the lift and starts his search and rescue mission.

Do you see him? The little beige thing there in my engine?
So my mechanic friend took my car apart to get to the kitten.

Here is my friend Gen re-hydrating the kitten, he spent the while day un the sun and heat stuck in my engine. Poor thing. The good news, my mechanic friend adopted him!

A hug

2011-08-09T22:44:00.002-04:00

Tonight I went out for dinner with my ex.
My ex that has now turned into my best friend.
My ex that stopped being my lover, because there wasn't any love, our destiny was to have an extraordinary friendship.

But tonight while talking with him, a cheesy song played on the radio and suddenly I felt the need to have someone in my life again.
I needed a hug, but not a hug from a friend, but a pair of arms around me from a man who loves me.
No, I am not still in love with my ex and I probably never will be again, I am convinced. But at that precise instant I was wishing he was another man.
I was wishing I had a man to call and that he would come to rescue me and offer me that hug I needed so deeply.

Being single over the years can be great, but it will never replace the contact of a man in love.

Lunch

2011-08-08T19:42:00.002-04:00

Today at lunch I went home to eat.
It's the first time I ever done this and I loved it.
Either I lived to far or didnt have enough time.
Now I live 5 minutes away and have an hour to eat.
It really allowed me to relax and split my day in half.
And you do you go home for lunch?
If you had the chance, would you?

Bilingual inspiration

2011-08-07T11:29:00.004-04:00

When I started going downhill last year around this time, I started another blog in French, as I thought I was losing touch with my first language.

I also found out with time that it is hard to keep two blog going with different types of posts as I felt I was repeating myself. But I also just realized that I don't have the same audience.

I have come to the decision that every time I get inspired to write a post I will write in on both blogs. For those of you who follow both it will be a repetition, but I want to share with all my blogger friends English or French.

:)

Oscar

2011-08-06T11:44:00.003-04:00

I forgot to tell you I went to get my roommate this week.

His name is Oscar, he is so happy to be free and no longer stuck in a cage at the animal shelter. So happy he barely lets me sleep LOL

Cures

2011-07-31T11:00:00.004-04:00

On Friday my sister slept over at my place (YAY).
We had a conversation that I think about every once in a while.

I beleive that we have found the cures for cancer and AIDS, but that the pharmaceutical company's a forbidden to release them.

Imagine the world just one moment without cancer. I believe that our days every one out of two person dies from a type of cancer. If we had a cure the world would all of a sudden be over crowded, no? Yes we would be happy that our loved ones would still be alive, but the world would maybe be a little chaotic. And of course all those pharmaceutical company they make so much money with chemotherapy and radiotherapy and all, they would loose way too much money if they just sold the cure.

And the the cure for AIDS. Lets just take Africa, a continent where most kids are born with the disease and die of it. Lets says the cure was releases. Yeah it is a poor continent, but they never get the chance to live past their 20's. How do you want theses countries to get education and make the economy move. I beleive this cure would save live, without bringing so much chaos.

Yes in both situation at the beginning it would be hard, but I see past all of that.
I see a world with less misery and so much happiness.

Saying it

2011-07-23T19:37:00.000-04:00

Did you say it?
I love you.
I don't ever want to live without you.
You changed my life.
Did you say it?
Make a plan.
Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around.
Drink it in 'cause this is it.
It might all be gone tomorrow.

I won

2011-07-20T13:20:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago I won Venassa 's giveaway. It was my first time winning a give away and I was so excited. I actually got to choose what I would get. And I chose sweets :)

I love everything I got, but especially the sign she added to the package. As I am a chocoholic it just made me smile so much. It says: Nine out of ten people like chocolate the tenth person always lies.

Thanks again Venassa!

Roommate

2011-07-15T20:57:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking of getting a four legged furry roommate for a little while now.
So tonight I went to the SPCA to go see if I would fall in love with one.
And I did, with more than one; they are all just so cute when they are babies.

But they charge 175$ for a kitten. This amount includes the kitten, the sterilization, health care if needed for a month, the first vaccine and a bag of food.

I dont know if I ready to pay that amount to rescue an animal. Am I selfish? I dont think so, but it got me thinking. So I left without a roommate (anyway the place was closing) and now I have to make a decision.

I know there's always going to be some roommates-to-be over there so I can take my time to make up my mind, but I am feeling kind of lonely and I am not ready to let a man in my life.

Decompress

2011-07-12T21:42:00.005-04:00

I need to find a way to unwind, decompress.

When you guys get home from work what do you do?
Hot shower? Glass of Wine? Video games? Go for a run?

I'm clueless on what to try as what I have tried so far doesn't seem to calm my brain down at all.

Plant hanger

2011-07-10T16:38:00.001-04:00

I have been looking everywhere for one of these and can find any.

You guys have any idea where I could find one or should I start googling on how to make one?

15 years later

2011-07-03T17:44:00.005-04:00

Last night was my high school reunion. We had one for 5 years, 10years and now 15 years.
I wont tell you all about the evening but I will tell you one thing (Kristen I was thinking about you the entire time).

A guy that was there, I remembered him, but never saw him like I did last night.
He gave me the Edward from Twilight feeling. Goose bumps all around. He had pale skin and barely interacted with others, but he was so hot.

I don't know why I hadn't noticed him all these years before, but wow I cant stop thinking about him. We spoke for a while, but he has a girlfriend and a kid and he is such a romantic and in love man. Lucky girl!

Maybe for the 20 years we'll both be single lol

Life is sweet

2011-06-29T20:04:00.003-04:00

You know life is sweet when your ice cream cone...

...smiles back at you :)

Bad karma

2011-06-28T06:56:00.004-04:00

Is it just me that has a bad karma when I move into a new place?

Last year when I moved, they started road work 2 weeks after I was in.

This year, I got the surprise coming home last night. All the little orange signs saying I cant f***g park till the end of August.(BTW I just paid a parking permit to be able to park) But wait that's not all, this morning at 6:20 they actually started to break down the concrete underneath my bedroom window.

Man I love the city, but I sure wish I was in the country this morning waking up to the sounds of birds.

Big day

2011-06-25T21:59:00.003-04:00

Today was a big day for me.

My sister left for New-Brunswick with all her life packed in a U-haul. 10 hours later she was calling me to tell me she had arrived to her new home.

I cried all day. I miss her already so much. I know that the emotions will calm down and that soon I will get use to her being so far away, but I hate the 'getting use to it' part.

I'm still crying as I am writing this post, but I tonight I will rest without worries as I know my super blog-friend Melissa went to check on her and told me she was ok. Thank you again my friend.

This was to me a good reminder to cherish every moment in life.

Creeped out

2011-06-16T20:03:00.003-04:00

Have you ever been creeped out by someone?

You know when that person gives you the chills and makes the hair in the back of your neck raise. That you swore you saw then in a psychopath horror movie.

Well I have a person that makes me feel like this in my life at the moment.
He doesn't know where I live, but I am scared he might find out.

What or how do you tell that person you are so uncomfortable?
How do you ask politely that person to stop contacting you, without dreaming that he is going to come cut you up in little pieces while you sleep?

Moving

2011-06-11T22:23:00.001-04:00

I am moving tomorrow morning!
I cant wait to finally end this nightmare!
I'll talk to all of you very soon from a happy place :D

Once upon a time

2011-06-08T22:04:00.004-04:00

I just saw the previews of this new series for this fall and I am excited.
It's different from all those cop, singing, dancing and hospital shows.

Transfer

2011-06-04T22:00:00.004-04:00

If you could get a transfer from work anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Here are the choices I have:

I would love to go to Australia, Spain or Thailand.

Trust

2011-05-29T10:46:00.003-04:00

How much do you trust your blogger friends?

I know I have met some of you, others I have been in contact through mail and other with whom I exchange on blogger regularly. I don't know why as of lately I have been in a fearfulness when it comes to virtual friendships.

I did drive a blog friend to the hospital this week without ever seeing him before, and once I got to his place I told myself I was stupid for going to a strangers house. I did, chickenly of me, have a knife in my purse, but God knows I would never be able to hurt anyone. I guess I beleive that people all have some good within them.

I have had no bad experiences with meeting blog people and haven't heard any horror stories aside from movies.

I've had a blogger friend from the US come over for a few days.
I've sent my sister to meet another blogger friend of mine in another province.
I exchange about twice a year parcels with another friend.
And I do write with some of you across the world.

So why this fear all of a sudden?

Target

2011-05-27T17:37:00.004-04:00

After being jealous for years of you guys (in the U.S.), shopping online even if I could not order, I finally learned fabulous news today.

We will be getting TARGET stores in Quebec!!!

I can wait to share this shopping experience with you guys, because I was about to cross the boarders just to go shopping. I will have to wait as the project is only for the beginning of 2013, but still I can not wait.

American Idol

2011-05-25T22:11:00.001-04:00

Scotty won!!!

I am so happy!!!

I love country music!!!

Last show

2011-05-25T10:00:00.001-04:00

Today is Oprah's last show.

I usually am not home when it is broadcast, but whenever I had the chance to watch the show I was always amazed by the woman that she is.

She has an inner glow, power and she has the ability to share it with others.
It is sad for us viewers, but I am sure that it is not the last that we will hear from her. She is not ending her career, only a show and who knows what she will start on her OWN network.

Thank you Oprah for all those moments.

The day after tomorrow

2011-05-23T09:44:00.002-04:00

Well today is the after tomorrow of this past Saturday.

Saturday afternoon I went shopping (again) with friends downtown and I got this really bad sunburn for free. It didn't look that bad outside and then at night I saw the pretty red color it had, but no pain. I still applied aloe gel on it just to be safe and did the same thing yesterday.

This morning, I am in pain. It burns and itches. I cant even put a shirt on.
Why 2 days later? I honestly thought it would have turned into a tan by now.

TV world

2011-05-20T10:14:00.002-04:00

In the past months I watched so much TV, I wonder why my eyes haven't popped out.

I was addicted to so many shows (Days of our lives, Dr.Phil, Amazing race, The listener, American Idol, House, Big Bang Theory, Say yes to the dress, Oprah, Grey's Anatomy, The voice, ect...)

Most of these shows are coming to an end or have ended in the past few days. I am trying (against my will) not start a new set of shows. Imagine if I had cable, I wouldn't be able to pull myself into bed (unless I brought the tv with me)

I love love love Scotty from American Idol, he made me fall in love with country music all over again. I hope he wins next week.

And the finale from Grey's anatomy last night, WOW!

Penny in bed with Rajesh???

Next week is Oprah's last show, makes me sad a little bit, she is amazing.

Am I the only one that watches that much TV?

Sister

2011-05-17T21:28:00.002-04:00

Today is my sister's birthday, she turned 35.
We went out our little family for dinner.

It's funny because I felt it was going to be the last family dinner we were going to have in a long time. Especially now that she is moving to New-Brunswick (8-9 hours away).

I feel like we are taking in all the minutes we can have with her.
I know I am finding all kind of excuses to see her.

I lost her to a guy for 7 years, she been back in my life for 2 years and she is going away. I know we'll still, talk, skype, text and msn, but I'll miss her like crazy.

Happy birthday sis!

Pink World

2011-05-15T23:09:00.001-04:00

Tonight I was driving home on the highway and I saw the sky in 7 different tones of pink. It was beautiful.

But then the trees around the road cleared up and the whole world was just embarrassing the color pink. The air, the houses, the road, everything was pink.

It was surreal. You know when they say put on you pink glasses...well I didn't need any.
It was all out there, as if heaven opened up it's doors for me.

Back at work

2011-05-13T14:25:00.002-04:00

I did it!

Today was my first half day back at work.

Yesterday I felt like hell because of the stress and anticipation, but I will be ok for next week.

So far so good, lets just hope it will continue :)

Love train

2011-05-05T09:12:00.002-04:00

I just stumbled upon this video on a fellow blogger's blog and I absolutely adore it. I had no choice, but to share it with you.

2 other months

2011-05-01T22:02:00.006-04:00

Hey guys!

I'm still alive and doing much much better.
I should be back to work in 2 weeks (yay!)
I am going completely nuts over shoes.
Counting the days before I move into my new place.
I'm still going to the gym.
I reunited with an old friend from high school and had a blast (will do again).
And I got in touch with my friend from this post
My godson gave us a scare when he had a allergic reaction to peanuts and had to be driven to the hospital by ambulance (Thank God he is fine)
Summer is finally starting to show signs that it is on it's way, I read a book sitting outside for the first time today since last summer.
After all these dark months, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
For the first time ever I am an absolute fan of American Idol (I'm rooting for Scotty) and the Amazing race (I'm rooting for Mallory and her dad).

Have a great week my friends!

PS: If you have a few minutes stop by my blog friend Chana's. She is going through a hard time and she needs all the prayers and positive energies she can get.

3 months later

2011-03-01T00:00:00.009-05:00

Hi everyone!

Yes, I am still alive :)

Here's a little bit of what has been going on in these past months.

I still am in therapy, it is a very long process, but I do see a little improvement.
I have not returned to work yet and I sure miss it.
I bought a new car and almost ended up dating the sales guy.
My godson turned one a few days ago.
Doctors orders, I now go to the gym with a trainer 3 times a week.
I have started apartment hunting as I decided to move for July first.

That's about it, nothing big. I keep on reading your blogs, I know I don't comment much, but I am here. I just don't feel the urge to write in English at the moment, but I felt like I owed you guys a little update.

Thanks to all of you that have written to me in the mail or by email, it means the world to me to know that you are there.

I love ya all! (mouah)

30 days of truth -Day 30

2010-11-30T07:00:00.006-05:00

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

This one I will keep to myself.

----------------------------------------------

It was a long month and I think I will take a break from this blog for a while.

I hope you guys have a fabulous Christmas and New Year, all my best to all of you.
Don't drink and drive. Laugh all you can and take many pictures.
If I have something extraordinary happen to me I will let you know.

Love,

Caroline

I leave you on a few lyrics that have been going through my mond the past few days:

I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
To find out what life could bring

30 days of truth -Day 29

2010-11-29T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I want to start putting myself first.
I want to stop thinking of others before me.
Why? because I want to be me, to be free.

30 days of truth -Day 28

2010-11-28T07:00:00.003-05:00

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I was pregnant I would completely freak out.
It just isn't for me.

30 days of truth -Day 27

2010-11-27T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Honestly I don't know.

My life has been on hold for the past few months, there's not really anything happening.

30 days of truth -Day 26

2010-11-26T07:00:00.005-05:00

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes.
When? In this past year.
Why? because it hurts so bad inside.

As most of you know, if you have been following since this summer, I am getting help and working on myself.
Everyday is a challenge and a fight against my disorders (I now know what I have), but as I said in yesterdays post, I am a fighter.

30 days of truth -Day 25

2010-11-25T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I believe I am still alive today:
Because I am a fighter.
Because even if I go through some hard ass times, I find a way to go on.
Because I am curious to see what the future holds.

30 days of truth -Day 24

2010-11-24T07:00:00.001-05:00

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

This playlist is dedicated to my dad.

1-Le plus fort c'est mon père -Lynda Lemay
2-Pump up the jam -Technotronics
3-Who let the dogs out -Baha men
4-Pink shoe laces -Dodie Stevens
5-At the end of a rainbow -Tommy Edwards

Dad,

You are my hero and I am your baby girl.
You have a way of understanding me that no one does.
The walks and talks we have are precious moments I cherish.
Our long hours spent fishing are golden to me.
I love how you cant sing, but sing the lyrics of some of these songs.
All of these songs are craved in my heart because of you.
I love you.

Caroline

30 Days of truth -Day 23

2010-11-23T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

In 2001 I got accepted in college to become a paramedic in a city 2 and a half hours away. So I moved and started to look for a part time job as I would be going to school. But the thing was that only my academic file was accepted. When I got there, there was a skill test of 11 minutes with weights and CPR and a bunch of stuff. I knew about it and I was working out and I had not plan that I would fail it. You did get to try it out a second time a month later, but unfortunately I could not find work so I moved back to my hometown and didn't do the second try out. As of today I wish I would have done it, my life could have been so different today.

30 days of truth -Day 22

2010-11-22T07:00:00.004-05:00

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Over 10 years ago I broke up with a guy that I now believe was my soul mate.
I was young and stupid. I did not know what love was and got scared by it.
I didn't know what I wanted in a man then.
Today I know, but he is taken and I would never get in between them.
If he is my soul mate, the love of my life, one day we will be together again.

30 days of truth -Day 21

2010-11-21T07:00:00.001-05:00

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I would be there in a heartbeat.

30 Days of truth -Day 20

2010-11-20T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I absolutely hate drugs.

Alcohol I don't really have a problem with it as long as you drink responsibly. And of course don't drink and drive.

Since I don't drink, I want all of you to pour yourselves a glass of wine and make a toast for me, cuz today I am a little bit older.

30 days of truth -Day 19

2010-11-19T06:00:00.002-05:00

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

When it comes to religion I am pretty indecisive. I am not sure where my faith stands.
I have no problem with people who have found a religion that fits them. All I want is for people to be respectful to each other no matter what their beliefs are.

Politics...I think it's all a bunch of BS. I believe politician tell you what you want to hear when it comes time for you to vote for them. Asides from that they never come forward and you never hear about them, except of course if they are lookiing for a new way to make money.

30 days of truth -Day 18

2010-11-18T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I believe that love has no sex.
I believe that if the person you fall in love with and completes you is the same sex as you are, you are lucky to have founds that person.

30 days of truth -Day 17

2010-11-17T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

The Long Hard Road Out of Hell by Marilyn Manson

It is his first own biography and it is an amazing book to read.
You discover how he turned from a simple boy to Rock Star.
All the glory, power that the medias gave him.
The man that lost love and a child.

Even if you are not a fan you should read it.

30 days of truth -Day 16

2010-11-16T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I will definitely have to say snow and cold!

I am not sold to the hot warm tropics, but I sure as hell hate to shovel and to be cold.

30 days of truth -Day15

2010-11-15T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Something: Material things we can all live without, they are all luxuries.

Someone: I was once told that no one is irreplaceable. I am still not sure if I believe in this or not. I believe that everyone is unique and that if they die they will live on for ever in our hearts and minds.

30 days of truth -Day 14

2010-11-14T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I believe that there is no hero that has ever let me down.
I thought about my childhood, movies and my life and I cant find one.

Superman is still super even if the actor died.
My dad is still a hero to me even if he is getting older.

I believe everyone can be a hero to somebody else and that it is only human to make mistakes, but it doesn't take away the heroic actions that you might have done.

30 days of truth -Day 13

2010-11-13T07:00:00.006-05:00

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

I will have to dedicate this letter to 3 music artists.

Dear Breaking Benjamin, Richard Marx and Linkin Park,

I discovered each one of you when I was in changing periods of my life.
Your music helped me put word on emotions that I did not know how to express.
Your lyrics reached me deep down inside and gave me a voice.
You gave me hope and made me smile.
You deserve to be out there and recognized for your talent.

Your fan Caroline

PS: Richard I did write a song for you, sent it to your fan club when I was in my early teens, but never got an answer.

30 days of truth -Day 12

2010-11-12T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

This is another hard one, because it also means on what would I like to be complimented on.

I would like to be complimented on my way of dealing with my finances maybe.
Each time I set myself a money goal I always reach it.
But then these goal I dont scream out to the world, so it is kind of hard to get compliments.

30 days of truth -Day 11

2010-11-11T07:00:00.003-05:00

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Wow this is a hard one, I cant seem to find one thing that sticks out.
Once in a while I get a compliment on my hair or how skinny I am or how I have nice long legs, but I wouldn't say that it happens very often.
At work I got called 'the machine' a few times, so I guess maybe my efficiency.

30 days of truth -Day 10

2010-11-10T07:00:00.002-05:00

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

There is no one who I wish I did not know.
Every person that is or was to a point in my life from coworker, friend to lover, I do not wish I did not know.
To a point each individual has made me grow into who I am today.

30 days of truth -Day 9

2010-11-09T07:00:00.004-05:00

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

His name is Claude-Étienne.

We were close for a few of years.
We shared moments that I will never forget.
In the past few years we both met people and slowly our friendship drifted.
I miss him.

30 days of truth -Day 8

2010-11-08T07:00:00.003-05:00

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

His name is René.

He manipulated me, used me and hurt me so bad.
He made me afraid to sleep at night, afraid of talking to others.
He made me run away and hide because I was so scared of him.

Once I saw a guy that looked like him in a bar, I just started to shake, but that was only a few months after and thank god it was not him.

I never saw him again and I have no clue how I would react, but for sure he made my life hell and damaged me.

30 days of truth -Day 7

2010-11-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I would say aside from family, my best friend Dominique.

We've been best friends for over 20 years.
We've had the best and worst times together.
We've cried for joy and for sadness's.
No matter how many miles were between us, she was there for me.
I am so grateful that she was put on my path in this life.

30 days of truth -Day 6

2010-11-06T08:00:00.001-04:00

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to make the decision of pulling the plug on a loved one.

30 days of truth -Day 5

2010-11-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope I get the chance to travel to Ireland and run across green fields of grass with tones of white sheep's.

30 days of truth -Day 4

2010-11-04T08:00:00.003-04:00

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

In high school I introduced my best friend (girl) to my best friend (boy) and she turned him against me. As of today I still don't know why. It took years for him and me to talk again and things never were the same again. We lost touch and then I found him on Facebook, but we never reconnected. I still haven't forgave her.

30 days of truth -Day 3

2010-11-03T07:00:00.001-04:00

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for not following my heart.
There are a few situations in the past that I did not let my heart lead the way and I should have.
But in a way I don't want to forgive myself, because even if these happened years ago they still bring a smile to my face even if I didn't follow my heart at the time.

30 days of truth -Day 2

2010-11-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love that I am curious.
Sometimes it can be a flaw, but sometimes it just leads me to amazing discoveries.

30 days of truth -Day 1

2010-11-01T08:00:00.003-04:00

For the month of November I decided to take the blog challenge 30 days of truth. I saw few of you do it and I wanted to do it as well.

Here are the 30 days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living
without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Here it goes

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I look so young. I am tired of people being so surprise about my age.
I would love to look like an adult, but I am who I am. There is no clothes, haircut or makeup that could change that. I actually look like a kid that is playing dress up when I try to put make up on.

I know you guys will all tell me that I should be glad to look young and that when I am way older I will be very happy about this. But right now I hate it.

First Halloween

2010-10-31T23:19:00.003-04:00

Today I spent the day with my godson, it was his first Halloween!

He is so cute!

Happy New Year!

2010-10-31T00:00:00.001-04:00

Many years ago when I was in college I had a little dark side and I read numerous books on witchcraft and magic. I used to be completely fascinated by it.

Halloween, or Samhain to witches (an Irish/Gaelic term pronounced "sow-wen"), signifies the beginning of the New year.

Samhain is an important sun festival on the Wheel of the Year, which marks the eight important Sabbats, or festivals, that a practicing witch follows. These holidays are based on rituals dating back thousands of years and mark important seasonal dates like the equinoxes and solstices.

Witches typically celebrate Samhain by doing an evaluation of the past year (or turn of the Wheel) and making a list of what worked and what didn't. Then they banish what they no longer want in their life.

A few years in a row I did celebrate the new year on October 31st. Today it makes me smile and brings back so many beautiful memories. I will cherish then for a long time.

Happy New Year to all you witches out there!

Friends

2010-10-29T13:00:00.004-04:00

I've just finished watching all 10 seasons of friends.
I know I am a little behind in time.
I had never seen the last 3 seasons, and wow.
I got to say it was obvious that Rachel and Ross were going to end up together, but I was so sure that Phoebe and Joey would also.
I have to say it wasn't my favorite TV series. It was good, but not in my top five.

What should I watch next? or maybe I have I been watching way too much TV?

Fall

2010-10-27T16:35:00.005-04:00

I got to say I love fall and days like today.
I went for a walk and just had to take a picture of this street.

It was a nice warm 68 outside with loads of sun.
Warm enough to wear only a big wool sweater.
Cool enough to make you cherish the rays of sunshine that touch your skin.
A smooth breeze that brings all the smells of fall to your nose.
Bunches of leaves you can just run across.

How was your Wednesday on this beautiful day of fall?

Pain

2010-10-26T14:36:00.002-04:00

Here is a quote I found the reflects the way I have been feeling the past few days:

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

Ebay part 2

2010-10-25T11:08:00.004-04:00

This week I should be receiving this gorgeous dress. It was my last purchase I did a couple of weeks ago when I went on my Ebay shopping spree.

All the other stuff was great but it was all too small. This one should fit as there are no sleeves :) It's nice to buy yourself a little something to make you feel pretty.

My song of the week

2010-10-24T13:04:00.003-04:00

The kid in you

2010-10-22T16:54:00.006-04:00

As we grow up we want to become adults and know nothing at all of what comes with it. Then later most of us let go of the kid in us and go on living our adult life and forget how fascinating life's little things can be. We are now grown ups with responsibilities that sometimes we have trouble accepting or dealing with.

Every week I learn a little bit more about myself through therapy. This week I learned that in some areas of my life I stayed a kid. It was hard to take in as blindly I thought everyone was like me. Some of it is good and keeps me young at heart, but some of it made me fragile and naive in this world of adults.

Being a kid was so easy.

Here are some things about me that never grew up that are not negative:
I still want to trick-or-treat.
I keep a stuffed animal on my bed.
I count the presents under the Christmas tree.
I have to sleep with the closet door close, because it give me nightmares.
I cant resist jumping into puddles of water when I see them.

What does the kid in you do?

I like to watch

2010-10-20T12:04:00.003-04:00

I saw this sticker on a mail box a few days ago.

A bit pervert don't you think? or is it just some nice thing like neighborhood watch?

Murder

2010-10-18T18:58:00.003-04:00

**FYI you might not like this post if you have or love kids.**

Did I ever tell you guys about my lovely neighbors from downstairs?
It is a family of 4. Husband, wife, 8 years old little girl and 3 years old little girl. They are also my landlords. I signed a nice lease of 14 months and I have been here for 6 months. And all I want to do is kill the 3 years old.

First you need to know that there is absolutely no insonorisation in this building.
I can hear them peeing, brushing there teeth, I can tell when there are crumbs on the sofa and what type of wood they want to use for the new stairs.

So this 3 year old rules this family like crazy. She yells and cries all the time until she gets what she wants (I figured) One day, she went on for over 2 hours strait. The parents never say a word, never yell or send her to her room. They just let her go at it until it pushes me to find a plan on how to get ride of her tiny little body.

She (I believe) has the need to be loud. She runs up and down the hallway, rides her BigWheel into the front door 17 times in a row. (btw there door and my door are not sound proof either) Every morning she yells because her sister leave. She yells and cries if her mom doesn't have her in her arm while putting clothes on the clothes line. She just yells and cry all the time like her legs would be ripped from her body or like her nails would be pulled one by one with vise grips.

I watch movie in bed with my laptop on my knees and she cries louder than my movie.
Sometimes I scream as if I was on the phone talking to someone and yell shut up, but it doesn't work and her parents must think I am crazy.
Sometimes I put my ipod on (maximum volume) and start vacuuming and dropping things on the floor intentionally for them to get the message that they are not alone in this building. But she still goes at it. They don't realize it.

Oh and I've talk with the mom. She is a stay at home mom and she will not send her baby girl ( annoying little creature) to daycare before she starts school, so she is going to be there every day all day for a couple of more years.

I have to stay here 8 more months. I'll never be able to do it. And here in Quebec it isn't that easy to brake a lease or to move/find a new place when it isn't July 1st and I am far from having enough money to hire movers.

Sometimes I wish I would of stayed with D. Things were not working out for us as a couple but at least he wasn't yelling at 7 am and riding his bike into the front door.

Now I am making up plans in my mind that I don't really like and they all end up with one less kid and me in jail, so do you have any suggestions before it is too late?

Music & Lyrics

2010-10-16T23:16:00.003-04:00

I found this while goggling around.

Mine at the moment is Grace by Kate Havnevik; What's yours?

Write to the future

2010-10-11T22:09:00.006-04:00

What is 'Write to the future'?

''In 1999, to celebrate the new millennium, Hallmark Canada sold a special envelope whereby consumers inserted a letter, card, photograph or memorabilia to be sent to themselves or a loved one ten years in the future. The envelopes were mailed to Hallmark Canada to be stored to be mailed in late 2009 or early 2010.''

In 1999 I was too busy being on my own for the first time and moving to the big city. Things likes this didn't get any of my attention, especially that all people talked about at the time was how the world would crash/end on the stroke of midnight that new year.

I don't know if it was also done in other countries, bit I am curious if any of you recall this or have participated.

What would you write to yourself or to a loved one for in ten years?
Basically you would receive a letter from your past, weird?
How would you react this year receiving a letter today from an old friend or family member from ten years ago?
If that person didn't tell you would you freak out?
Would you like to try do this?

Sunday October 10th update

2010-10-10T12:21:00.006-04:00

Hi Guys!

After a long conversation with my shrink we agreed that I talk way too much about me and my condition. So this will be my last update and I will start blogging again about anything that crosses my mind that I would like to share with you. Of course if there is major breaking news I will keep you posted.

Here is a picture of my angel godson Thomas

The Da Vinci Code

2010-10-06T21:05:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I watched The Da Vinci Code again (I am a Tom Hanks fan)
But my way of looking and understanding the movie was different this time for me.

I am having lots of question about God and Jesus and our history.
I don't know what I exactly believe in and where stands my faith.
Maybe I am thinking way too much these days or maybe it's actually something inside of me, a strength that is slowly coming out to help me go through life.

What if it could be true that Mary Magdalene was married to Jesus and carrying his child?
How could our world and visions change?
What did you think about the movie?

Sunday October 3rd update

2010-10-03T07:42:00.001-04:00

Hi,

Pretty much same old stuff as last week.

I don't start treatment/therapy till approximately the 21st.

This week my shrink made me realize some stuff about myself that I did not like. I have been trying to deal with it since Thursday and I am having a hard time.

I see my family doctor on Monday, so I'll get to know what is in my psychiatric evaluation and my official diagnostic.

I'll blog again this week about something else.

Caro

PS: I didn't see the grocery guy.

eBay

2010-09-29T12:05:00.007-04:00

Lately I have been snooping around on eBay and since I don't have lots of money because I am on sick leave; I placed bids on items that the prices were very low and I won!

In the next few days I will receive these 3 beautiful pieces of clothing that I paid a grand total of 7$. Yes 3 gorgeous pieces for 7$!!!

Do you guys ever shop online?
What site do you trust?