Sunday August 29th Update

Hi,

It's been a week like no other.

I got a phone call from the insurance company that told me I would probably be on leave for a couple of months. WHAT??? I really thought I was going back to work next week. This hit me hard, really hard. But I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and he is the one with the final word. I understand now that I will not be going back to work this week, but please not months.

One of my very good friend's mom passed, it hit me hard. My friend is such a strong and positive person I wish to one day be at least a quarter of who she is. I am going to the funeral home today to pay my respects.

I caught up with 2 old friends. J that is still in Afghanistan at this time, but he makes me laugh and forget about my little problems. And then B, We hung out one evening watching old stupid movies and talking about life. He has a vision so different, yet I understand him. It was very nice to reconnect with both of them.

One morning I just had the urge to cook muffins and cupcakes, so I baked 3 or 4 dozens and brought some to D's work. It kept me busy and them happy.

I saw my shrink again. Man he does me good. I am a but pissed that he is going on vacation again for 2 more weeks. I wish I could of taken an 2 hour session, or bring him home for a week, but I guess I'll have to wait. We had so much to talk about. He said one of the biggest mistakes I did was telling everyone around me about my condition. I just wanted people to understand, I never thought I would stop working.
Now it's too late, every one knows and it hurts that I created this situation. People see only the monster that I built and not the Caroline I am underneath.
He gave me a list of movies to watch before I saw him again and he told me to take the anxiety medication daily, not the anti-depressant.

I've been also emailing with the author Mark Ivar Myhre. I was goggling on how to fight depression without medication and came across his web site. Registered for the chain of emails with exercises to do and it helped. In his first chain email he says you can write him directly to tell him how you are. I never taught he would answer, but here we are now emailing each day. He is a complete stranger at the end of the world, but he is helping me so much. I am grateful that he was put on my path.

This morning I made terrible discoveries about myself. They were there for a long time in front of me, I just didn't want to accept them. I now more about myself and it hurts, but I know a little more clearly on what to focus.

I still am losing weight, not as much. I try to eat 3 meals a day, but I have no appetite so it is hard. I still walk/run almost every day, and I have been skipping yoga for a few days.

This week I will finally know how much money I will be receiving from the insurance so I can stop worrying about that, as it has been eating me up inside. I believe I will start breathing normally and start healing once I know this.

I think I am on the right path even if there's still seem to be some fog on the way. I still cry almost every day, but it is not as intense and I believe the panic attacks are distancing form one another, which is good.

The plan for the week to come is pretty much the same as last week, but to do more work on myself, to continue to discover who I really am and what I really want.
I like blue, stars and polar bears :)
I want to visit Texas, to buy a kayak and learn auto-defense.

See ya all next week

Caro :)