Sunday September 19th Update

Hi again,

I spent the beginning of the week at my parents house, but it was too intense having people watching me 24/7 so I came back home.

I love my place, but hate, absolutely hate the landlord and one of his daughter. He seems to be never working and renovating his basement every morning at 8 ever since I moved in. His daughter is 3 and she cries and screams at the top of her lungs from 8am to 9pm. There is no peace in quiet ever. No resting. I will definitively move once my lease is up next spring.

I lasted 11 days on the natural products. I was having horrible panic attacks every day, not eating anymore and night terrors. Enough! I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have been off them for 4 days, my appetite is coming back, I sleep great and barely have panic attacks and if I do they are not as intense and don't last very long.

I am getting my evaluation from the psychiatric hospital on Tuesday. I am a bit nervous, but I need this, I need their help. The entire process is extremely long, I actually hope that the evaluation goes well so that I can actually start a treatment or something. My shrink told me it is the good thing to do, he says I am there and that the hospital will help me. The author I was exchanging emails with asked me to stop writing him; he thought he could no longer help by email. I guess it is ok, but he did inspire me in many ways and I am thankful our path crossed in this virtual world.

In the week that just past I realized I have been sick leave for a month now. WOW I never thought I would have been gone that long and it is scary. Because if I look at all that has happened since I've been home, I still have a long way to go and I wont be back to work next week as I was hoping. I will be out of service for a while. I miss work. The interactions, the projects, the problems, the challenges, but I also realized that to rest I have to let go the 'I wonder whats going on' part.

I have so much time to think it is crazy. In the past week in my mind: I have moved four times, changed careers tree times, died, had a baby, had sex with an old friend, took a plane just to cross an ocean, dyed my hair red, shaved my head, got married to Lane of Big Brother, won millions at the lottery, got tied up to a hospital bed, got hit by a train, my building burnt down, I turned into a serial killer, ect....I need to find things to do to keep my mind busy.

On the 26 it is my godson's christening. I hope I will have enough energy for the ceremony. I have to buy him something, but I have no idea what. What do you buy for a boy's christening?

This weeks goal, again, is to eat 3 meals a day, exercise, yoga and paint my hallway. I have to find a hobby and start reading your blogs again.

I hope I have lots more to tell you next week.

Caro:)