Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Lately I have been snooping around on eBay and since I don't have lots of money because I am on sick leave; I placed bids on items that the prices were very low and I won!

In the next few days I will receive these 3 beautiful pieces of clothing that I paid a grand total of 7$. Yes 3 gorgeous pieces for 7$!!!

Do you guys ever shop online?
What site do you trust?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sunday September 26th Update


This week didn't start off too good, but it did finish on a happier note.

Monday I was in panic mode all day just thinking about my phone psychiatric evaluation the next day.

Then Tuesday came and the lady called earlier than expected; we spoke for almost an hour, and then she gave my appointment for the official psychiatric evaluation at the hospital, that thank goodness it was on Friday. I was so tired of waiting and telling my story I was afraid I would have to wait another month. I was relieved and had a great day.

Wednesday the stress caught up to me and I slept in really late. My best friend came to see me in the evening. I love her so much.

Thursday was a good day. I went to see my shrink after dinner, he is always very helpful and helps me a lot to change my way of thinking. Then I went to the grocery store and saw this very cute guy in a wheelchair. It is actually the third time I see him. I wonder if he is single. How do you start a conversation with a cute guy in a grocery store?

Friday morning was my evaluation. They were 2 asking me questions. I was a bit disappointed when I got out because I had a feeling I didn't tell them everything I wanted, but we were in there for almost 2 hours. At the end of the appointment the main psychiatrist told me that on Monday I would get a call from a gentleman to start treatment/therapy. So I don't have to wait another month again. I am so grateful. I cant wait to get that call. That night I did have another panic attack. I feel very alone in this and I am scared.

Saturday had a slow start, but by dinner my friend B asked me if I wanted to hang out. I went over at his place and we went for a walk because it was so nice outside. Then he offered me to go for a motorcycle ride. I got so excited I almost had a panic attack on the spot. I had not gone for a ride in over 2 years. It was amazing, my face was in pain after smiling so much. A rush of good emotions.

Today was the christening of my godson. He was so handsome in his white tuxedo. The entire day was a success and it was a special moment to spend with most of my family. Lots of gifts, food and love.

I ate fairly well this week; I am proud of myself.
I gave myself a photo project to do and filled up 2 photo albums.
I also started to read your blogs again, which I think I missed more than I taught.
Maybe I'll start blogging again more than once a week.

I cant wait to tell you about my treatment/therapy and if I see the grocery store guy again.

Have a great week.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday September 19th Update

Hi again,

I spent the beginning of the week at my parents house, but it was too intense having people watching me 24/7 so I came back home.

I love my place, but hate, absolutely hate the landlord and one of his daughter. He seems to be never working and renovating his basement every morning at 8 ever since I moved in. His daughter is 3 and she cries and screams at the top of her lungs from 8am to 9pm. There is no peace in quiet ever. No resting. I will definitively move once my lease is up next spring.

I lasted 11 days on the natural products. I was having horrible panic attacks every day, not eating anymore and night terrors. Enough! I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have been off them for 4 days, my appetite is coming back, I sleep great and barely have panic attacks and if I do they are not as intense and don't last very long.

I am getting my evaluation from the psychiatric hospital on Tuesday. I am a bit nervous, but I need this, I need their help. The entire process is extremely long, I actually hope that the evaluation goes well so that I can actually start a treatment or something. My shrink told me it is the good thing to do, he says I am there and that the hospital will help me. The author I was exchanging emails with asked me to stop writing him; he thought he could no longer help by email. I guess it is ok, but he did inspire me in many ways and I am thankful our path crossed in this virtual world.

In the week that just past I realized I have been sick leave for a month now. WOW I never thought I would have been gone that long and it is scary. Because if I look at all that has happened since I've been home, I still have a long way to go and I wont be back to work next week as I was hoping. I will be out of service for a while. I miss work. The interactions, the projects, the problems, the challenges, but I also realized that to rest I have to let go the 'I wonder whats going on' part.

I have so much time to think it is crazy. In the past week in my mind: I have moved four times, changed careers tree times, died, had a baby, had sex with an old friend, took a plane just to cross an ocean, dyed my hair red, shaved my head, got married to Lane of Big Brother, won millions at the lottery, got tied up to a hospital bed, got hit by a train, my building burnt down, I turned into a serial killer, ect....I need to find things to do to keep my mind busy.

On the 26 it is my godson's christening. I hope I will have enough energy for the ceremony. I have to buy him something, but I have no idea what. What do you buy for a boy's christening?

This weeks goal, again, is to eat 3 meals a day, exercise, yoga and paint my hallway. I have to find a hobby and start reading your blogs again.

I hope I have lots more to tell you next week.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday September 12th Update

Sorry I am late with this one.

It was another big week of pretty much nothing new and same old shit.
I lost a few followers, sorry about my depresssing blog, I will get better one day, soon I hope.

I am glad to tell you I am on my 9th day of the natural products and they make me feel like shit, but yes I am still taking them.

Instead of going to a Psychiatric ER this week I went directly to the Psychiatric hospital. I know I need help and some days scare me so bad. So I will see a psychiatrist very soon (within 2 weeks) and from there I hope to actualy have 'THE PLAN' that will put my life back on track. It was a terrifiying experience to go there, but it is where I need to be treated.

I spent a few days at my parents, because they are very worried for me. I feel so bad to see them so upside down, I regret telling them so many things. I actually feel in prison at their place, I will go back home on Tuesday.

I am trying to let go of the past anger, sadness and pain I lived. I read old diaries and shredded them. I realised that I miss some people so much and that others have hurt me so bad. One guy friend in particular I would like to talk to again, but I dont think it is the best time right now for me to reconnect. It is giving me a goal to get better.

I am now addicted to day time tv: Days of our lives, TheDr's, Doctor Oz, Oprah and DrPhil. I am looking forward to the new House and Grey's natomy.

This week I lost a bit more weight, but I did start walking more often again.
I still dont eat much, but I am working on it. I am having trouble sleeping, which I didnt have till this week.

I am hoping to have good news for you guys next week, I cant wait till the day I tell you, no more attacks, no more tears, back to work and back to dating.

Take care till next week.

Caro :)

PS: Eyegirl, beautiful wedding, I wish lots of love for the 2 of you for the rest of your lives.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday September 5th Update


On Monday, I saw my doctor, who said to never have seen me in this state of mind in the 20 years he has been following me. He said a lot of things that I am still having problems processing. I need to see a psychiatrist with my medications to find a solution for me to take them. He said the longer I will wait the worst it will get. He talked about me staying for a short stay at the hospital, which scared the hell out of me.

On Tuesday, I saw my heart doctor I had been waiting for results, I have a little arrhythmia and a heart murmur, but basically my heart is healthy. It all goes with the anxieties that I have been living. That day was horrible, I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other, I cried and slept all day.

On Wednesday, pretty much the same scenario. I did go to the Psychiatric ER with the little note that the doctor gave me to see a psychiatrist asap, but you have to got through the regular doctor even if you have a note. There was more than 8 hours of waiting and I was in panic mode so I went back home to bed.

On Thursday I woke up and wasn't feeling to bad, I hit the road for the afternoon to go bring a beer and a letter to a dear friend that passed 4 years ago, asking him for a little guidance. I was able to walk that day. I got a phone call from a rental agency telling me that I had not rented a bike in 3 years and that they had a special for me...was it a sign?

On Friday, I goggled all day to find a way or medication without side effects. There in no chemical pills without any side effects. But I did find a natural products, the 5-HTP. I went to have dinner with D at his place, apparently I need to eat I am too skinny (down to 117)

Yesterday, I drove to my parents with the intention of spending a few days there. They took me to a natural store and we bought the 5-HTP and I took my first dose. It is a humongous step for me to take a pill and swallow it. A few things happen after I took it and I was too emotional so I decided to drive back home. I had a terrible panic attack once I was here for about an hour, but I fell asleep not to long after.

Today had a slow start in and out of bed, until I decided to clean my place and read. I had a little nap since the crying kid downstairs was out and then went to the grocery store as I was out of everything. I cooked up a good meal and took my second dose of the medication with it, again pat on the back I am proud of myself. I am a little shaky right now, but I know my shakiness is all a product of my fear. I will now go walk again and try to calm myself down and when I get back I will have ice cream.

The plan for the week: keep on taking the medication and upping the dosage slowly (I need to take at least 2 a day, preferably 3 a day) but I will go at my own rhythm not to freak out completely and end up not taking any at all.
I also want to start walking everyday and again try to eat 3 meals a day (which is very hard at the moment)
I also have to continue exploring myself, accept who I am and what I can and what I can not change.

Good week to all of you.

Caro :)

PS To all the East coasters I hope Earl was gentle with you.