Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday September 19th Update

Hi again,

I spent the beginning of the week at my parents house, but it was too intense having people watching me 24/7 so I came back home.

I love my place, but hate, absolutely hate the landlord and one of his daughter. He seems to be never working and renovating his basement every morning at 8 ever since I moved in. His daughter is 3 and she cries and screams at the top of her lungs from 8am to 9pm. There is no peace in quiet ever. No resting. I will definitively move once my lease is up next spring.

I lasted 11 days on the natural products. I was having horrible panic attacks every day, not eating anymore and night terrors. Enough! I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have been off them for 4 days, my appetite is coming back, I sleep great and barely have panic attacks and if I do they are not as intense and don't last very long.

I am getting my evaluation from the psychiatric hospital on Tuesday. I am a bit nervous, but I need this, I need their help. The entire process is extremely long, I actually hope that the evaluation goes well so that I can actually start a treatment or something. My shrink told me it is the good thing to do, he says I am there and that the hospital will help me. The author I was exchanging emails with asked me to stop writing him; he thought he could no longer help by email. I guess it is ok, but he did inspire me in many ways and I am thankful our path crossed in this virtual world.

In the week that just past I realized I have been sick leave for a month now. WOW I never thought I would have been gone that long and it is scary. Because if I look at all that has happened since I've been home, I still have a long way to go and I wont be back to work next week as I was hoping. I will be out of service for a while. I miss work. The interactions, the projects, the problems, the challenges, but I also realized that to rest I have to let go the 'I wonder whats going on' part.

I have so much time to think it is crazy. In the past week in my mind: I have moved four times, changed careers tree times, died, had a baby, had sex with an old friend, took a plane just to cross an ocean, dyed my hair red, shaved my head, got married to Lane of Big Brother, won millions at the lottery, got tied up to a hospital bed, got hit by a train, my building burnt down, I turned into a serial killer, ect....I need to find things to do to keep my mind busy.

On the 26 it is my godson's christening. I hope I will have enough energy for the ceremony. I have to buy him something, but I have no idea what. What do you buy for a boy's christening?

This weeks goal, again, is to eat 3 meals a day, exercise, yoga and paint my hallway. I have to find a hobby and start reading your blogs again.

I hope I have lots more to tell you next week.



L'impulsive montréalaise said...

Pour avoir déjà vécu ce que tu vis, je comprends tellement. C'est un long processus. J'ai tellement hâte de lire que tu prends du mieux... Mais en entendant, je prends ces nouvelles que tu nous donnes. Et je t'envois des pensées positives... même si je n'en ai pas beaucoup pour moi-même en ce moment. Parce que partager le beau, ça fait du bien. Câlin miss.

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Hey sweetie. This sounds intense. I do hope you they give you the help that you need. And if you need someone to talk to, here's my i.d for yahoo messenger: chinkygirl17

Melly said...

Hi Caroline, glad you're doing better off the natural stuff. If it was doing bad things, you don't want to be on it.

I know it feels weird to be off work for such a long period of time. You definitely need it though.

As for your godson's present.. he's just a baby so I think anything shiny that makes noise he would like. :)

Bossy Betty said...

Hang in there, baby! I am thinking of you, sending you positive thoughts.

Anonymous said...

hey girl, hang in there. look forward to seeing your godson! what a special memory to have:-)

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Hang in there lady! Sending you big hugs!