Sunday September 5th Update

Hello,

On Monday, I saw my doctor, who said to never have seen me in this state of mind in the 20 years he has been following me. He said a lot of things that I am still having problems processing. I need to see a psychiatrist with my medications to find a solution for me to take them. He said the longer I will wait the worst it will get. He talked about me staying for a short stay at the hospital, which scared the hell out of me.

On Tuesday, I saw my heart doctor I had been waiting for results, I have a little arrhythmia and a heart murmur, but basically my heart is healthy. It all goes with the anxieties that I have been living. That day was horrible, I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other, I cried and slept all day.

On Wednesday, pretty much the same scenario. I did go to the Psychiatric ER with the little note that the doctor gave me to see a psychiatrist asap, but you have to got through the regular doctor even if you have a note. There was more than 8 hours of waiting and I was in panic mode so I went back home to bed.

On Thursday I woke up and wasn't feeling to bad, I hit the road for the afternoon to go bring a beer and a letter to a dear friend that passed 4 years ago, asking him for a little guidance. I was able to walk that day. I got a phone call from a rental agency telling me that I had not rented a bike in 3 years and that they had a special for me...was it a sign?

On Friday, I goggled all day to find a way or medication without side effects. There in no chemical pills without any side effects. But I did find a natural products, the 5-HTP. I went to have dinner with D at his place, apparently I need to eat I am too skinny (down to 117)

Yesterday, I drove to my parents with the intention of spending a few days there. They took me to a natural store and we bought the 5-HTP and I took my first dose. It is a humongous step for me to take a pill and swallow it. A few things happen after I took it and I was too emotional so I decided to drive back home. I had a terrible panic attack once I was here for about an hour, but I fell asleep not to long after.

Today had a slow start in and out of bed, until I decided to clean my place and read. I had a little nap since the crying kid downstairs was out and then went to the grocery store as I was out of everything. I cooked up a good meal and took my second dose of the medication with it, again pat on the back I am proud of myself. I am a little shaky right now, but I know my shakiness is all a product of my fear. I will now go walk again and try to calm myself down and when I get back I will have ice cream.

The plan for the week: keep on taking the medication and upping the dosage slowly (I need to take at least 2 a day, preferably 3 a day) but I will go at my own rhythm not to freak out completely and end up not taking any at all.
I also want to start walking everyday and again try to eat 3 meals a day (which is very hard at the moment)
I also have to continue exploring myself, accept who I am and what I can and what I can not change.

Good week to all of you.

Caro :)

PS To all the East coasters I hope Earl was gentle with you.