30 days of truth -Day 30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

This one I will keep to myself.

----------------------------------------------

It was a long month and I think I will take a break from this blog for a while.

I hope you guys have a fabulous Christmas and New Year, all my best to all of you.
Don't drink and drive. Laugh all you can and take many pictures.
If I have something extraordinary happen to me I will let you know.

Love,

Caroline

I leave you on a few lyrics that have been going through my mond the past few days:

I forgot that I might see
So many beautiful things
I forgot that I might need
To find out what life could bring

30 days of truth -Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I want to start putting myself first.
I want to stop thinking of others before me.
Why? because I want to be me, to be free.

30 days of truth -Day 28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I was pregnant I would completely freak out.
It just isn't for me.

30 days of truth -Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Honestly I don't know.

My life has been on hold for the past few months, there's not really anything happening.

30 days of truth -Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes.
When? In this past year.
Why? because it hurts so bad inside.

As most of you know, if you have been following since this summer, I am getting help and working on myself.
Everyday is a challenge and a fight against my disorders (I now know what I have), but as I said in yesterdays post, I am a fighter.

30 days of truth -Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I believe I am still alive today:
Because I am a fighter.
Because even if I go through some hard ass times, I find a way to go on.
Because I am curious to see what the future holds.

30 days of truth -Day 24

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

This playlist is dedicated to my dad.

1-Le plus fort c'est mon père -Lynda Lemay
2-Pump up the jam -Technotronics
3-Who let the dogs out -Baha men
4-Pink shoe laces -Dodie Stevens
5-At the end of a rainbow -Tommy Edwards

Dad,

You are my hero and I am your baby girl.
You have a way of understanding me that no one does.
The walks and talks we have are precious moments I cherish.
Our long hours spent fishing are golden to me.
I love how you cant sing, but sing the lyrics of some of these songs.
All of these songs are craved in my heart because of you.
I love you.

Caroline

30 Days of truth -Day 23

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

In 2001 I got accepted in college to become a paramedic in a city 2 and a half hours away. So I moved and started to look for a part time job as I would be going to school. But the thing was that only my academic file was accepted. When I got there, there was a skill test of 11 minutes with weights and CPR and a bunch of stuff. I knew about it and I was working out and I had not plan that I would fail it. You did get to try it out a second time a month later, but unfortunately I could not find work so I moved back to my hometown and didn't do the second try out. As of today I wish I would have done it, my life could have been so different today.

30 days of truth -Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.


Over 10 years ago I broke up with a guy that I now believe was my soul mate.
I was young and stupid. I did not know what love was and got scared by it.
I didn't know what I wanted in a man then.
Today I know, but he is taken and I would never get in between them.
If he is my soul mate, the love of my life, one day we will be together again.

30 days of truth -Day 21

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I would be there in a heartbeat.

30 Days of truth -Day 20

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I absolutely hate drugs.

Alcohol I don't really have a problem with it as long as you drink responsibly. And of course don't drink and drive.

Since I don't drink, I want all of you to pour yourselves a glass of wine and make a toast for me, cuz today I am a little bit older.

30 days of truth -Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

When it comes to religion I am pretty indecisive. I am not sure where my faith stands.
I have no problem with people who have found a religion that fits them. All I want is for people to be respectful to each other no matter what their beliefs are.

Politics...I think it's all a bunch of BS. I believe politician tell you what you want to hear when it comes time for you to vote for them. Asides from that they never come forward and you never hear about them, except of course if they are lookiing for a new way to make money.

30 days of truth -Day 18

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I believe that love has no sex.
I believe that if the person you fall in love with and completes you is the same sex as you are, you are lucky to have founds that person.

30 days of truth -Day 17

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

The Long Hard Road Out of Hell by Marilyn Manson

It is his first own biography and it is an amazing book to read.
You discover how he turned from a simple boy to Rock Star.
All the glory, power that the medias gave him.
The man that lost love and a child.

Even if you are not a fan you should read it.

30 days of truth -Day 16

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I will definitely have to say snow and cold!

I am not sold to the hot warm tropics, but I sure as hell hate to shovel and to be cold.

30 days of truth -Day15

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Something: Material things we can all live without, they are all luxuries.

Someone: I was once told that no one is irreplaceable. I am still not sure if I believe in this or not. I believe that everyone is unique and that if they die they will live on for ever in our hearts and minds.

30 days of truth -Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I believe that there is no hero that has ever let me down.
I thought about my childhood, movies and my life and I cant find one.

Superman is still super even if the actor died.
My dad is still a hero to me even if he is getting older.

I believe everyone can be a hero to somebody else and that it is only human to make mistakes, but it doesn't take away the heroic actions that you might have done.

30 days of truth -Day 13

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

I will have to dedicate this letter to 3 music artists.

Dear Breaking Benjamin, Richard Marx and Linkin Park,

I discovered each one of you when I was in changing periods of my life.
Your music helped me put word on emotions that I did not know how to express.
Your lyrics reached me deep down inside and gave me a voice.
You gave me hope and made me smile.
You deserve to be out there and recognized for your talent.

Your fan Caroline

PS: Richard I did write a song for you, sent it to your fan club when I was in my early teens, but never got an answer.

30 days of truth -Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

This is another hard one, because it also means on what would I like to be complimented on.

I would like to be complimented on my way of dealing with my finances maybe.
Each time I set myself a money goal I always reach it.
But then these goal I dont scream out to the world, so it is kind of hard to get compliments.

30 days of truth -Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Wow this is a hard one, I cant seem to find one thing that sticks out.
Once in a while I get a compliment on my hair or how skinny I am or how I have nice long legs, but I wouldn't say that it happens very often.
At work I got called 'the machine' a few times, so I guess maybe my efficiency.

30 days of truth -Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

There is no one who I wish I did not know.
Every person that is or was to a point in my life from coworker, friend to lover, I do not wish I did not know.
To a point each individual has made me grow into who I am today.

30 days of truth -Day 9

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

His name is Claude-Étienne.

We were close for a few of years.
We shared moments that I will never forget.
In the past few years we both met people and slowly our friendship drifted.
I miss him.

30 days of truth -Day 8

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

His name is René.

He manipulated me, used me and hurt me so bad.
He made me afraid to sleep at night, afraid of talking to others.
He made me run away and hide because I was so scared of him.

Once I saw a guy that looked like him in a bar, I just started to shake, but that was only a few months after and thank god it was not him.

I never saw him again and I have no clue how I would react, but for sure he made my life hell and damaged me.

30 days of truth -Day 7

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I would say aside from family, my best friend Dominique.

We've been best friends for over 20 years.
We've had the best and worst times together.
We've cried for joy and for sadness's.
No matter how many miles were between us, she was there for me.
I am so grateful that she was put on my path in this life.

30 days of truth -Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to make the decision of pulling the plug on a loved one.

30 days of truth -Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.


I hope I get the chance to travel to Ireland and run across green fields of grass with tones of white sheep's.

30 days of truth -Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

In high school I introduced my best friend (girl) to my best friend (boy) and she turned him against me. As of today I still don't know why. It took years for him and me to talk again and things never were the same again. We lost touch and then I found him on Facebook, but we never reconnected. I still haven't forgave her.

30 days of truth -Day 3

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for not following my heart.
There are a few situations in the past that I did not let my heart lead the way and I should have.
But in a way I don't want to forgive myself, because even if these happened years ago they still bring a smile to my face even if I didn't follow my heart at the time.

30 days of truth -Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love that I am curious.
Sometimes it can be a flaw, but sometimes it just leads me to amazing discoveries.

30 days of truth -Day 1

For the month of November I decided to take the blog challenge 30 days of truth. I saw few of you do it and I wanted to do it as well.

Here are the 30 days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living
without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Here it goes

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I look so young. I am tired of people being so surprise about my age.
I would love to look like an adult, but I am who I am. There is no clothes, haircut or makeup that could change that. I actually look like a kid that is playing dress up when I try to put make up on.

I know you guys will all tell me that I should be glad to look young and that when I am way older I will be very happy about this. But right now I hate it.

First Halloween

Today I spent the day with my godson, it was his first Halloween!



He is so cute!

Happy New Year!

Many years ago when I was in college I had a little dark side and I read numerous books on witchcraft and magic. I used to be completely fascinated by it.

Halloween, or Samhain to witches (an Irish/Gaelic term pronounced "sow-wen"), signifies the beginning of the New year.

Samhain is an important sun festival on the Wheel of the Year, which marks the eight important Sabbats, or festivals, that a practicing witch follows. These holidays are based on rituals dating back thousands of years and mark important seasonal dates like the equinoxes and solstices.


Witches typically celebrate Samhain by doing an evaluation of the past year (or turn of the Wheel) and making a list of what worked and what didn't. Then they banish what they no longer want in their life.

A few years in a row I did celebrate the new year on October 31st. Today it makes me smile and brings back so many beautiful memories. I will cherish then for a long time.

Happy New Year to all you witches out there!

Friends

I've just finished watching all 10 seasons of friends.
I know I am a little behind in time.
I had never seen the last 3 seasons, and wow.
I got to say it was obvious that Rachel and Ross were going to end up together, but I was so sure that Phoebe and Joey would also.
I have to say it wasn't my favorite TV series. It was good, but not in my top five.

What should I watch next? or maybe I have I been watching way too much TV?

Fall

I got to say I love fall and days like today.
I went for a walk and just had to take a picture of this street.


It was a nice warm 68 outside with loads of sun.
Warm enough to wear only a big wool sweater.
Cool enough to make you cherish the rays of sunshine that touch your skin.
A smooth breeze that brings all the smells of fall to your nose.
Bunches of leaves you can just run across.

How was your Wednesday on this beautiful day of fall?

Pain

Here is a quote I found the reflects the way I have been feeling the past few days:

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

Ebay part 2

This week I should be receiving this gorgeous dress. It was my last purchase I did a couple of weeks ago when I went on my Ebay shopping spree.


All the other stuff was great but it was all too small. This one should fit as there are no sleeves :) It's nice to buy yourself a little something to make you feel pretty.

My song of the week

The kid in you

As we grow up we want to become adults and know nothing at all of what comes with it. Then later most of us let go of the kid in us and go on living our adult life and forget how fascinating life's little things can be. We are now grown ups with responsibilities that sometimes we have trouble accepting or dealing with.


Every week I learn a little bit more about myself through therapy. This week I learned that in some areas of my life I stayed a kid. It was hard to take in as blindly I thought everyone was like me. Some of it is good and keeps me young at heart, but some of it made me fragile and naive in this world of adults.

Being a kid was so easy.

Here are some things about me that never grew up that are not negative:
I still want to trick-or-treat.
I keep a stuffed animal on my bed.
I count the presents under the Christmas tree.
I have to sleep with the closet door close, because it give me nightmares.
I cant resist jumping into puddles of water when I see them.

What does the kid in you do?

I like to watch

I saw this sticker on a mail box a few days ago.


A bit pervert don't you think? or is it just some nice thing like neighborhood watch?

Murder

**FYI you might not like this post if you have or love kids.**

Did I ever tell you guys about my lovely neighbors from downstairs?
It is a family of 4. Husband, wife, 8 years old little girl and 3 years old little girl. They are also my landlords. I signed a nice lease of 14 months and I have been here for 6 months. And all I want to do is kill the 3 years old.

First you need to know that there is absolutely no insonorisation in this building.
I can hear them peeing, brushing there teeth, I can tell when there are crumbs on the sofa and what type of wood they want to use for the new stairs.

So this 3 year old rules this family like crazy. She yells and cries all the time until she gets what she wants (I figured) One day, she went on for over 2 hours strait. The parents never say a word, never yell or send her to her room. They just let her go at it until it pushes me to find a plan on how to get ride of her tiny little body.

She (I believe) has the need to be loud. She runs up and down the hallway, rides her BigWheel into the front door 17 times in a row. (btw there door and my door are not sound proof either) Every morning she yells because her sister leave. She yells and cries if her mom doesn't have her in her arm while putting clothes on the clothes line. She just yells and cry all the time like her legs would be ripped from her body or like her nails would be pulled one by one with vise grips.

I watch movie in bed with my laptop on my knees and she cries louder than my movie.
Sometimes I scream as if I was on the phone talking to someone and yell shut up, but it doesn't work and her parents must think I am crazy.
Sometimes I put my ipod on (maximum volume) and start vacuuming and dropping things on the floor intentionally for them to get the message that they are not alone in this building. But she still goes at it. They don't realize it.

Oh and I've talk with the mom. She is a stay at home mom and she will not send her baby girl ( annoying little creature) to daycare before she starts school, so she is going to be there every day all day for a couple of more years.

I have to stay here 8 more months. I'll never be able to do it. And here in Quebec it isn't that easy to brake a lease or to move/find a new place when it isn't July 1st and I am far from having enough money to hire movers.

Sometimes I wish I would of stayed with D. Things were not working out for us as a couple but at least he wasn't yelling at 7 am and riding his bike into the front door.

Now I am making up plans in my mind that I don't really like and they all end up with one less kid and me in jail, so do you have any suggestions before it is too late?

Music & Lyrics

I found this while goggling around.


Mine at the moment is Grace by Kate Havnevik; What's yours?

Write to the future

What is 'Write to the future'?

''In 1999, to celebrate the new millennium, Hallmark Canada sold a special envelope whereby consumers inserted a letter, card, photograph or memorabilia to be sent to themselves or a loved one ten years in the future. The envelopes were mailed to Hallmark Canada to be stored to be mailed in late 2009 or early 2010.''

In 1999 I was too busy being on my own for the first time and moving to the big city. Things likes this didn't get any of my attention, especially that all people talked about at the time was how the world would crash/end on the stroke of midnight that new year.

I don't know if it was also done in other countries, bit I am curious if any of you recall this or have participated.

What would you write to yourself or to a loved one for in ten years?
Basically you would receive a letter from your past, weird?
How would you react this year receiving a letter today from an old friend or family member from ten years ago?
If that person didn't tell you would you freak out?
Would you like to try do this?

Sunday October 10th update

Hi Guys!

After a long conversation with my shrink we agreed that I talk way too much about me and my condition. So this will be my last update and I will start blogging again about anything that crosses my mind that I would like to share with you. Of course if there is major breaking news I will keep you posted.

Here is a picture of my angel godson Thomas

The Da Vinci Code

Yesterday I watched The Da Vinci Code again (I am a Tom Hanks fan)
But my way of looking and understanding the movie was different this time for me.


I am having lots of question about God and Jesus and our history.
I don't know what I exactly believe in and where stands my faith.
Maybe I am thinking way too much these days or maybe it's actually something inside of me, a strength that is slowly coming out to help me go through life.

What if it could be true that Mary Magdalene was married to Jesus and carrying his child?
How could our world and visions change?
What did you think about the movie?

Sunday October 3rd update

Hi,

Pretty much same old stuff as last week.

I don't start treatment/therapy till approximately the 21st.

This week my shrink made me realize some stuff about myself that I did not like. I have been trying to deal with it since Thursday and I am having a hard time.

I see my family doctor on Monday, so I'll get to know what is in my psychiatric evaluation and my official diagnostic.

I'll blog again this week about something else.

Caro

PS: I didn't see the grocery guy.

eBay

Lately I have been snooping around on eBay and since I don't have lots of money because I am on sick leave; I placed bids on items that the prices were very low and I won!

In the next few days I will receive these 3 beautiful pieces of clothing that I paid a grand total of 7$. Yes 3 gorgeous pieces for 7$!!!





Do you guys ever shop online?
What site do you trust?

Sunday September 26th Update

Hello,

This week didn't start off too good, but it did finish on a happier note.

Monday I was in panic mode all day just thinking about my phone psychiatric evaluation the next day.

Then Tuesday came and the lady called earlier than expected; we spoke for almost an hour, and then she gave my appointment for the official psychiatric evaluation at the hospital, that thank goodness it was on Friday. I was so tired of waiting and telling my story I was afraid I would have to wait another month. I was relieved and had a great day.

Wednesday the stress caught up to me and I slept in really late. My best friend came to see me in the evening. I love her so much.

Thursday was a good day. I went to see my shrink after dinner, he is always very helpful and helps me a lot to change my way of thinking. Then I went to the grocery store and saw this very cute guy in a wheelchair. It is actually the third time I see him. I wonder if he is single. How do you start a conversation with a cute guy in a grocery store?

Friday morning was my evaluation. They were 2 asking me questions. I was a bit disappointed when I got out because I had a feeling I didn't tell them everything I wanted, but we were in there for almost 2 hours. At the end of the appointment the main psychiatrist told me that on Monday I would get a call from a gentleman to start treatment/therapy. So I don't have to wait another month again. I am so grateful. I cant wait to get that call. That night I did have another panic attack. I feel very alone in this and I am scared.

Saturday had a slow start, but by dinner my friend B asked me if I wanted to hang out. I went over at his place and we went for a walk because it was so nice outside. Then he offered me to go for a motorcycle ride. I got so excited I almost had a panic attack on the spot. I had not gone for a ride in over 2 years. It was amazing, my face was in pain after smiling so much. A rush of good emotions.

Today was the christening of my godson. He was so handsome in his white tuxedo. The entire day was a success and it was a special moment to spend with most of my family. Lots of gifts, food and love.

I ate fairly well this week; I am proud of myself.
I gave myself a photo project to do and filled up 2 photo albums.
I also started to read your blogs again, which I think I missed more than I taught.
Maybe I'll start blogging again more than once a week.

I cant wait to tell you about my treatment/therapy and if I see the grocery store guy again.

Have a great week.

Caro

Sunday September 19th Update

Hi again,

I spent the beginning of the week at my parents house, but it was too intense having people watching me 24/7 so I came back home.

I love my place, but hate, absolutely hate the landlord and one of his daughter. He seems to be never working and renovating his basement every morning at 8 ever since I moved in. His daughter is 3 and she cries and screams at the top of her lungs from 8am to 9pm. There is no peace in quiet ever. No resting. I will definitively move once my lease is up next spring.

I lasted 11 days on the natural products. I was having horrible panic attacks every day, not eating anymore and night terrors. Enough! I just couldn't handle it anymore. I have been off them for 4 days, my appetite is coming back, I sleep great and barely have panic attacks and if I do they are not as intense and don't last very long.

I am getting my evaluation from the psychiatric hospital on Tuesday. I am a bit nervous, but I need this, I need their help. The entire process is extremely long, I actually hope that the evaluation goes well so that I can actually start a treatment or something. My shrink told me it is the good thing to do, he says I am there and that the hospital will help me. The author I was exchanging emails with asked me to stop writing him; he thought he could no longer help by email. I guess it is ok, but he did inspire me in many ways and I am thankful our path crossed in this virtual world.

In the week that just past I realized I have been sick leave for a month now. WOW I never thought I would have been gone that long and it is scary. Because if I look at all that has happened since I've been home, I still have a long way to go and I wont be back to work next week as I was hoping. I will be out of service for a while. I miss work. The interactions, the projects, the problems, the challenges, but I also realized that to rest I have to let go the 'I wonder whats going on' part.

I have so much time to think it is crazy. In the past week in my mind: I have moved four times, changed careers tree times, died, had a baby, had sex with an old friend, took a plane just to cross an ocean, dyed my hair red, shaved my head, got married to Lane of Big Brother, won millions at the lottery, got tied up to a hospital bed, got hit by a train, my building burnt down, I turned into a serial killer, ect....I need to find things to do to keep my mind busy.

On the 26 it is my godson's christening. I hope I will have enough energy for the ceremony. I have to buy him something, but I have no idea what. What do you buy for a boy's christening?

This weeks goal, again, is to eat 3 meals a day, exercise, yoga and paint my hallway. I have to find a hobby and start reading your blogs again.

I hope I have lots more to tell you next week.

Caro:)

Sunday September 12th Update

Sorry I am late with this one.

It was another big week of pretty much nothing new and same old shit.
I lost a few followers, sorry about my depresssing blog, I will get better one day, soon I hope.

I am glad to tell you I am on my 9th day of the natural products and they make me feel like shit, but yes I am still taking them.

Instead of going to a Psychiatric ER this week I went directly to the Psychiatric hospital. I know I need help and some days scare me so bad. So I will see a psychiatrist very soon (within 2 weeks) and from there I hope to actualy have 'THE PLAN' that will put my life back on track. It was a terrifiying experience to go there, but it is where I need to be treated.

I spent a few days at my parents, because they are very worried for me. I feel so bad to see them so upside down, I regret telling them so many things. I actually feel in prison at their place, I will go back home on Tuesday.

I am trying to let go of the past anger, sadness and pain I lived. I read old diaries and shredded them. I realised that I miss some people so much and that others have hurt me so bad. One guy friend in particular I would like to talk to again, but I dont think it is the best time right now for me to reconnect. It is giving me a goal to get better.

I am now addicted to day time tv: Days of our lives, TheDr's, Doctor Oz, Oprah and DrPhil. I am looking forward to the new House and Grey's natomy.

This week I lost a bit more weight, but I did start walking more often again.
I still dont eat much, but I am working on it. I am having trouble sleeping, which I didnt have till this week.

I am hoping to have good news for you guys next week, I cant wait till the day I tell you, no more attacks, no more tears, back to work and back to dating.

Take care till next week.

Caro :)

PS: Eyegirl, beautiful wedding, I wish lots of love for the 2 of you for the rest of your lives.

Sunday September 5th Update

Hello,

On Monday, I saw my doctor, who said to never have seen me in this state of mind in the 20 years he has been following me. He said a lot of things that I am still having problems processing. I need to see a psychiatrist with my medications to find a solution for me to take them. He said the longer I will wait the worst it will get. He talked about me staying for a short stay at the hospital, which scared the hell out of me.

On Tuesday, I saw my heart doctor I had been waiting for results, I have a little arrhythmia and a heart murmur, but basically my heart is healthy. It all goes with the anxieties that I have been living. That day was horrible, I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other, I cried and slept all day.

On Wednesday, pretty much the same scenario. I did go to the Psychiatric ER with the little note that the doctor gave me to see a psychiatrist asap, but you have to got through the regular doctor even if you have a note. There was more than 8 hours of waiting and I was in panic mode so I went back home to bed.

On Thursday I woke up and wasn't feeling to bad, I hit the road for the afternoon to go bring a beer and a letter to a dear friend that passed 4 years ago, asking him for a little guidance. I was able to walk that day. I got a phone call from a rental agency telling me that I had not rented a bike in 3 years and that they had a special for me...was it a sign?

On Friday, I goggled all day to find a way or medication without side effects. There in no chemical pills without any side effects. But I did find a natural products, the 5-HTP. I went to have dinner with D at his place, apparently I need to eat I am too skinny (down to 117)

Yesterday, I drove to my parents with the intention of spending a few days there. They took me to a natural store and we bought the 5-HTP and I took my first dose. It is a humongous step for me to take a pill and swallow it. A few things happen after I took it and I was too emotional so I decided to drive back home. I had a terrible panic attack once I was here for about an hour, but I fell asleep not to long after.

Today had a slow start in and out of bed, until I decided to clean my place and read. I had a little nap since the crying kid downstairs was out and then went to the grocery store as I was out of everything. I cooked up a good meal and took my second dose of the medication with it, again pat on the back I am proud of myself. I am a little shaky right now, but I know my shakiness is all a product of my fear. I will now go walk again and try to calm myself down and when I get back I will have ice cream.

The plan for the week: keep on taking the medication and upping the dosage slowly (I need to take at least 2 a day, preferably 3 a day) but I will go at my own rhythm not to freak out completely and end up not taking any at all.
I also want to start walking everyday and again try to eat 3 meals a day (which is very hard at the moment)
I also have to continue exploring myself, accept who I am and what I can and what I can not change.

Good week to all of you.

Caro :)

PS To all the East coasters I hope Earl was gentle with you.

Sunday August 29th Update

Hi,

It's been a week like no other.

I got a phone call from the insurance company that told me I would probably be on leave for a couple of months. WHAT??? I really thought I was going back to work next week. This hit me hard, really hard. But I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and he is the one with the final word. I understand now that I will not be going back to work this week, but please not months.

One of my very good friend's mom passed, it hit me hard. My friend is such a strong and positive person I wish to one day be at least a quarter of who she is. I am going to the funeral home today to pay my respects.

I caught up with 2 old friends. J that is still in Afghanistan at this time, but he makes me laugh and forget about my little problems. And then B, We hung out one evening watching old stupid movies and talking about life. He has a vision so different, yet I understand him. It was very nice to reconnect with both of them.

One morning I just had the urge to cook muffins and cupcakes, so I baked 3 or 4 dozens and brought some to D's work. It kept me busy and them happy.

I saw my shrink again. Man he does me good. I am a but pissed that he is going on vacation again for 2 more weeks. I wish I could of taken an 2 hour session, or bring him home for a week, but I guess I'll have to wait. We had so much to talk about. He said one of the biggest mistakes I did was telling everyone around me about my condition. I just wanted people to understand, I never thought I would stop working.
Now it's too late, every one knows and it hurts that I created this situation. People see only the monster that I built and not the Caroline I am underneath.
He gave me a list of movies to watch before I saw him again and he told me to take the anxiety medication daily, not the anti-depressant.

I've been also emailing with the author Mark Ivar Myhre. I was goggling on how to fight depression without medication and came across his web site. Registered for the chain of emails with exercises to do and it helped. In his first chain email he says you can write him directly to tell him how you are. I never taught he would answer, but here we are now emailing each day. He is a complete stranger at the end of the world, but he is helping me so much. I am grateful that he was put on my path.

This morning I made terrible discoveries about myself. They were there for a long time in front of me, I just didn't want to accept them. I now more about myself and it hurts, but I know a little more clearly on what to focus.

I still am losing weight, not as much. I try to eat 3 meals a day, but I have no appetite so it is hard. I still walk/run almost every day, and I have been skipping yoga for a few days.

This week I will finally know how much money I will be receiving from the insurance so I can stop worrying about that, as it has been eating me up inside. I believe I will start breathing normally and start healing once I know this.

I think I am on the right path even if there's still seem to be some fog on the way. I still cry almost every day, but it is not as intense and I believe the panic attacks are distancing form one another, which is good.

The plan for the week to come is pretty much the same as last week, but to do more work on myself, to continue to discover who I really am and what I really want.
I like blue, stars and polar bears :)
I want to visit Texas, to buy a kayak and learn auto-defense.

See ya all next week

Caro :)

Sunday August 22nd update

Hello my friends,

I decided to give you a weekly update. I am not back into the blog world thing, but for a reason I hold on to you guys and care so much that I just couldn't leave completely.

Monday that just past my doctor decided to stop me from working. So here I am on sick leave, which I was trying to avoid all this time. For me being on sick leave was like hitting the bottom of the barrel. I guess from there it can only go up.

This week I did not see the shrink as he is on vacation, but I tried to follow his recommendation. Of course it is hard as it will not all go away in a blink, but I have to accept, which is the hardest part. I exercise everyday and it feel's good, which I hadn't done in a long time. I made myself a schedule as it helps me to stay sane.

My goal at the moment is to eat 3 meals a day, I know it sounds kinda of lame, but I have lost my appetite and so much weight, but I believe me getting better all starts with me being healthy. So food and exercise until further notice.

See you next week.

News

I am still alive.

I decided not to take the medication with the advice of my shrink, and it is not easy.
I have so much work to do and it is hard, so hard.
Some days I want to give it all up, but then I have a good day and see hope.

I don't know how long I will still be away, but thank you all for your kind words and emails.

This Friday

This Friday I will be on vacation for one week, 9 full days to myself and my worst fear ever.
This Friday I will try to start taking anti-depressant medication for the 3rd time.
This Friday I will have to come at peace with myself and my phobia of vomiting.
This Friday my world of anxieties should hit a turning point.
This Friday I have been putting off for way too long.
This Friday terrifies me.
This Friday I want my life to start to change in a positive way.
This Friday might be the last you hear of me for a little while, but know that I will be thinking of you all and how much sunshine you bring to my life.

See you later blogger friends.

Reward

This week was reward week.
I have done a lot of work on myself in the 2 past week, so I deserved it.

Instead of clothes I got:


-My first cosmopolitan ever
-The 5th book of Twilight
-The first season of Grey's Anatomy
-A book called the fear of fear
And a relaxation cd that I will put in the garbage as the man that talks on it sounds like a old pervert who will make me make nightmares instead of relaxing.

Lets hope that the next pay I get reward as well, cuz I'll be on vacation!

I've been scammed

I never thought this would happen to me, but I guess I am just a naive little girl.

On Facebook, which is now used for so many things, there was an add to win free hockey tickets for the new season that will begin in October.

I click on the link and it gives me the teams home page, so for me it was real...gave out my email address and phone number. The some automated voice mail called and gave me a confirmation number.
Then I realized I got scammed, why would my local team got through a 310 area code for a contest..damn shit...I just got scammed. So I went on google and punched in the number and all comment were that it was a scam. Went back to the web site and couldn't click on anything except the ''scammy part''

I did a print screen and will report this to Facebook and to the team.

Argggghhhh I never thought this would happen to me now I got to change phone numbers.

TV series

I've just finish watching all 8 season's of That 70's show.
I already watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the city and all 6 season's of House.

Do you have any suggestions?

Love

I miss love. Can I say that? Well I just did.

I know I am not ready for another relationship and that I have an enormous amount of work to do on myself before I maybe meet another guy, but I miss love.

I miss the butterflies and fireworks.
I miss the looking at each other without saying a word and knowing that all will be alright no matter what happens.
I miss the sweetness and tenderness.
I miss the goose bumps.
I miss the complicity and surprises.
I miss a life filled with happiness.
I miss the little things that mean so much.
I miss my heart pounding so hard that it hurts, but that it feels soooo good.

I just miss being in love, giving love and receiving love.

Acupuncture

This morning I did my first session of acupuncture.
I was very nervous when I got there and also panicking a little.
The lady was very nice and took her time. She explained everything.

I felt no pain and learn a new way how to breathe.
Even if I am not convinced 100% that it can do me good I left there with positive thoughts in my mind and hoping for the best.

I'll keep you guys posted after a few more sessions.

Monday Mentra July 19th

This week I am getting lots and lots of help
I believe I have a crush on a guy that works at the mall lol
I'm addicted Big Brother
I wish that acupuncture works for me
I'm jealous of people that can live one day at the time.
Soundtrack/Mantra for the week: The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. -Mark Twain

Back in time

Lately I have been doing lots of reading and I started to wonder if I had to pick a decade in the past, in which one I would like to live.

I think I would like to live around the end of the 40's beginning of the 50's.
War had just ended, most people still didn't have any car or TV's as they were big luxuries.
Kids still played outside and with toys instead of computers and video games. Women took time to cook their own meal, no ready to eat stuff, all from scratch. To eat fries one night with dinner was a treat.
People use to talk to people in person and took time to enjoy life.
If someone lived far away you had write to the letters. Whens the last time you got a letter in the mail?
The level of stress that we now have on ourselves in the year's 2010's is not comparable.

If you had to go back in time, in which decade would you like to live and why?
1900's? 1930's? 1950's? 1970's?

Joke

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity....

1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get..
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Ever tried...

I have been thinking about acupuncture and many people around me do recommend it. I'm not afraid of needles, but I don't see how putting needles through my skin can make me feel better. Isn't voodoo the same and it hasn't ever done any good from what I've heard. I took an appointment next Monday; I'll let you know how it goes.

What about hypnosis? Again lots of people around me tell me that it could cure some of my phobias. I've read about it a lot and from what I've discovered it takes many sessions to start having an effect and it is if it does work on you as not everyone can get hypnotized.

So have ever tried either? or any similar practices?

Writing

Lately I have been thinking about starting to write.
I need something to clear my head and I am not the type of girl that can turn her mind off and take a break from thinking. If I think about a story, I will disconnect from my reality for a little while and it might just help me relax.

I have so many drafts in the back of my head, but it seems that none of them would turn out into a great story.
I'd like to write something new, fresh and positive.
I did think about writing a story about me, an auto-biography kinda, but yet I am not sure I want to expose myself to the world.

I did a few years ago write a short love story that could of turned out like one of those Harlequin books you buy at the grocery store, but I never put much effort into it.

What do you think I should write about? Me, horror, action, love, ect?

No reward

This week is pay week and I did not earn a reward.

The past 2 weeks have been worst than I could have ever imagined.
I have been going through an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I have discovered corners of my mind and physical sensations that completely freaked me out. I now know how powerful the mind is and I need to make it work in a positive way.

I had Carrie over for a couple of days and my subconscious mind did not let me have a good time like I wish I would of.
When she was here I barely ate, and then it got worst, I was 3 days eating only one piece of toast a day.

I quit my job and signed the contract at another job, but finally had to make the decision not to leave my current job, as again my subconscious mind had more control over me than my mind.

I got into an argument with my mom and although I told her how I really feel, I regret how it has hurt her, but I needed to say certain things.

I have been getting help, but I have reach a point where I need a more specific type of help. So I got this process going in fast forward mode.

I am not writing this to get pity or anything. I am just sharing with you my life in the past two weeks.

I have fabulous and extremely comprehensive people around me and I am so grateful.

I am not depressed, but I am facing difficult issues that I should of dealt with years ago. I believe I am on the road to getting better and that I will a better person after all of this is over.

For now I need to rest, focus of positive things and cherish the people that are standing by me in this journey.

Thank you for being there.

Letter to Carrie

Dear Carrie,

I wanted to write this letter to you on my blog as I believe everyone should know how fabulous you are.

You came to Canada to visit without knowing who I was and in what kind of world I lived in. I know I am in a very bad phase of my life right now and I would of given anything for you not to have to share this with me.

But you where there, smiling from ear to ear, listening and comforting.
So positive, joyful and up for anything from shopping to napping.

I believe that in this world there are very few people like you and you are just so fantastic. You give me hope. You are a ray of sunshine.

I'd love to see you again once I am better.

Love Caro

PS: For those of you who dont know Carrie, you should follow her blog Just a girl

Visit

I am so excited that today my bloggy friend Carrie is coming over for a few days.
She is flying in all the way from Virginia :)
I always wanted to meet some of you and today is the day!
I hope we have a great time and I will post some pics.

Have you met any of your blogger friends?

I quit

Today I Handed out my resignation letter at work.

I have been at the same job for over 5 years, and I believe it was more than time for me to move on. It was a very big company with only dollar signs instead of the heart. I loved the team I work with, but the company is crap, no recognition for nothing, give give give and nothing back in return. I just couldn't do it anymore, it is one of the reason why my anxieties are so intense. I had to think about myself and a job offer fell from the sky and I could not refuse it.

My last day will be July 16th.

I am confident that my decision was the best thing I could do for myself, I love the new place and the people already. I cant wait to get started and face the new challenges ahead.

Monday Mentra June 28th

This week I work only 2 days and my blogger friend Carrie is going over for a couple of days.
I believe you guys will like my 5 o'clock post
I'm addicted to feeling good.
I wish to have no panic attacks while Carrie is here and enjoy every minute.
I'm jealous of people than don't have trouble saying it is over.
Soundtrack/Mantra for the week: Highway to hell -AC/DC

Skype

Are any of you on Skype?

I just installed it and wondered if lots of people use it and like it.

So do you use it?
Any good or bad experiences on it?
Is it user friendly?

Second reward

This week was my second week of reward, although I had some difficult moments, I believe I deserve it again :)

I went out to go get the little yellow dress but once I had it on I realized my boobs did not fill out the top part :(

Instead I got this nice shirt


This little top


And another pair of sandals



I am also trying to find another pair of jeans, but it seems that the only thing out there are skinny jeans, which I don't really like.

First laugh

Thomas laugh out loud for the first time yesterday.
I am so in love with this kid!

Earthquake

It's been all over the news and everyone has been talking about it, so I decided to talk about it too.
The earth has shaken today in Montreal, the strength was 5.7 and it was scary.
I was on the phone with a customer and from the 9th story of our building I felt the floor and walls move. Not a good feeling.

No damage was made and we had no after shocks, so all is good.

Have you felt an earthquake before?

Emotions

My emotions, good or bad, control my life completely.

I have no control over them and I live them physically. Today was a great day filled with emotions, emotions so strong that I actually started to feel ill. It was not the first time and I know it wont be the last one either.

I don't mind living my emotions, and I know life is filled with up's and down's, but what ever way it goes I always end up feeling ill. I know it is all in my head.

I know I've talked about this before and if you follow you also know that I am getting help, but I just felt the need to write about it. I know being an emotional person is part of who I am and no matter how hard I try to change that it will not go away, so I will not try to change who I am but I want to change the way I see things. I want to live my emotions to their fullest and feel perfectly fine physically.

Do you have any tricks to control emotional peaks (good or bad) when they happen?

Summer giveaway winner

And the lucky girl is...

Iris from My life in purple!!!

Congrats! Just email me your address and I will send it this week :)

Happy beginning of Summer to all of you :)

Monday Mentra June 21st

This week I will make a life changing decision
I believe my godson is one of the greatest things in my life.
I'm addicted to Glaceau vitamin water.
I wish to have no panic attacks this week.
I'm jealous of nothing.
Soundtrack/Mantra for the week: I got a feeling -Black eyed peas

Storm chasers

On my way to my parents place today the weather was kind of indecisive.
I was sunny and hot, but you could see certain big black could far away.So there I was driving on the highway wind in my hair, music cranked up and all was good. Until this weird black truck passed me.

When it got to my level I saw on the side of the truck: Storm chasers association. Instantly I looked back up at the clouds. They were still there and black. The truck slowed down, I then got a bit concerned as I am scared shitless of thunder showers. In a fraction of a second the rain was pouring down on me and I could barely see the road in front of me; when I looked into my rear-view mirror the truck had taken an exit and stopped.

There we were me and my paranoia on the highway thinking this is it, if the storm chaser did not pursue his road this mean I am going strait into hell. I am going to experience the worst storm of my life, yet maybe even a tornado. My heart was racing like hell, I had trouble swallowing and my knees were weak...until I realized the rain had stopped and the sun was back.

It was just a big bad cloud, but as I continue my road I kept on looking in my rear-view mirror and wondered why did the storm chaser stop and what was he expecting to see?

I had never seen a storm chaser, besides from in movies and honestly I got scared a little, because usually in movies if you see them something bad always happened. Maybe I've watched too many 'weather' movies.

Have you ever seen a storm chaser? Does it make you wonder why they are around?

My Superhero

My Dad is my superhero, he has always been and will always be.

I love him so much! He is the best!


Happy fathers day to all the superhero's out there.

The triplets first photo shoot

Today me and one of my girlfriends went to the triplets house and had a little photo shoot with my godson and his twin sisters, her are a few shots :)

Annabelle

Rafaelle

Thomas

Are we alone?

Today at lunch I stumble upon a National Geographic magazine, the title was: Are we alone?
The universe is huge and our sun is one star among billions. This means that there could be millions of planets just like ours with life. I believe that it is impossible we are the only intelligence out there.

Do you think we are alone?

Little yellow dress

Ever since the weekend I have been thinking about this little yellow dress that I saw.
I know I have to wait till the next reward moment to go get it and it is driving me crazy.

I could go buy it right away because it wasn't very expensive, but if I start buying things when ever I want the reward wont mean anything anymore.

I am not a dress girl and I usually don't like yellow stuff.
Is it just because I cant have it right away that I want it so bad?
Or do I really love it?

What would you do? Do you have anything yellow in your closets?

The need to talk

I always have the need to talk and I believe it is a flaw of mine and I don’t know how to correct it.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

-I get into work and people ask me how my weekend was I could limit myself to say it was fine or relax, but no here I go giving all the details.
-I have a doctor’s appointment. I could keep it to myself, yet everybody knows and then when they ask how it went, I can not say ok I have to again give details.

I do the exact same thing in every area of my life and it is not good. I am a complete open book, I have nothing to hide, but I should keep certain things to myself.
If you ask me to talk about myself to get to know me, within 2 hours of the conversation you will probably know some deep secrets of mine.

I don’t know how to stop and this is part of my therapy.

Do you have any suggestions?

PS I need to talk about my Summer giveaway dont foreget about it ;)

Monday Mentra June 14th

This week I will learn more about myself
I believe real friends can be there for you without asking any questions, even if you haven't talked to them in years .
I'm addicted to That 70's show.
I wish to get mail from a friend.
I'm jealous of nothing.
Soundtrack/Mantra for the week: Nouveau départ -William Deslauriers

Blog Spam

I never had any blog spam before, but the past week I have been having anonymous spam in my comments and this is annoying me and pissing me off.
Just in the past 15 minutes more than 10 comments.
I know from my stats that it comes from Korea I even have an IP address, could I block this person?

99 Things

Krysten stole the idea from someone else blog so I am doing the same :)

The things I've done are bold and the things I want to do are in italics.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to disney
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited Paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language...Working on this one!
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theater
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in London
77. broken a bone
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

I did 28, and there's lots I'd like to do or add to the list :)

This was fun, you should try it.

First reward

This Friday was the first payday since I decided to reward myself.
I believe I did efforts in those 2 past weeks and deserve my reward.
I was away on my fishing trip Thursday and Friday so I went shopping today.

Here are my rewards:

A cute new top


A new pair of PJ's I couldnt resist because I loooove stars


And a new pair of sandals


I will try to make the same efforts in the weeks to come, because I saw lots of cute things out there :)

Summer giveaway

Summer is just around the corner so why not do a summer giveaway.

As some of you my company is located in a fashion building and there is lots and lots to see and buy, big names like Lacoste, Simon Chan, Swarovski, Axara, ect...

I decided to get you guys a purse. (ok I dont know if my fashion sense is good or not but I think it's pretty.) The picture doesn show the colour really good but it is white and the fabric goes from white to a grey that seems to be tinted with a little blue.


I'll draw a winner on the first day of Summer (June 21st)

What you have to do to enter:

1-Be a follower (1 entry)
2-Leave a comment on why you absolutely want this purse (1 entry)
3-Leave a separate comment that tells us about your summer style (1 entry)
4-Talk about my giveaway on your blog (2 entries)

This giveaway is open world wide.

Good luck!

Little bits of sunshine

Today was a great day.
I saw little bits of sunshine all through the day.

Last 2 weeks I have been listening to a new cd that goes against all I ever liked.
It is a French Quebec CD, I never liked any Quebec music before, I hated it so much that it is even in my profile.
Until two weeks ago when I saw this singer/songwriter, William Deslauriers, on the news talking about his first CD. I don't know what pushed me to go buy it but I did. I am completely in love with the CD, I feel music for the first time in me, I connects to me and it makes me smile so much. I take it in the car and take it out of the car to listen to it at home. I can't get enough of this feeling that grows inside of me when I listen to it.

I also learned today that by the end of the month my best friend is moving back to town. I am so happy it brings tears to my eyes. She means the world to me.

I also had something happened to me after work, that I can not talk about for now, that wasn't expected and it just make me think in a positive way.

I found parking at my sisters house (which never happens) and I saw my sister (which doesn't happen very often either). I am so happy I reconnected with her like we were years ago.

I have only one work day left and I am off on a 2 day fishing trip, YAY!

And on top of that this week is pay week I will reward myself!

Monday Mentra June 7th

This week will be short.
I believe I made the right choice.
I'm addicted to The Bachelorette.
I wish to catch a big frigging fish on my fishing trip.
I'm jealous the ticket holder of the 50 millions.
Soundtrack/Mantra for the week: C'est comme ca -William Deslauriers.

Saturday's hot guy #30

What a nice way to get up and the morning and having to find a hot guy. But summer is here and I will give it up until it is over.

So lasts guy is Ryan Reynolds. We was born in Vancouver, Canada. He is the youngest of four brothers. HE was engaged for a couple of year to Alanis Morissette, but they called it off. Years later he married Scarlett Johansson.